Together We Heal is for any who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. We provide a safe forum for survivors of abuse to share, learn and heal. We work to expose sexual predators and their methods of getting into our lives.
This is the very reason why we are fighting to eliminate Statute of Limitation Laws on sex crimes against children. People like Gov. Brown of California are still protecting the pedophiles/sexual predators hiding within the Catholic Church and other private institutions.
Either Gov. Brown is ignorant of how long it may take a victim of childhood sexual abuse to come forward, or he is defending the pedophiles, either way he made a very poor decision and should not be Governor any longer. If you are a California voter, make sure he, or anyone he endorses doesn’t get another term.
Hellen Keller was once asked, “Is there anything worse than being blind?” She replied, “Yes, the most pathetic person in the world, is someone with sight, but no vision.”
Hellen Keller said this decades ago. And sadly it’s where I believe my country, the United States of America, is at this very moment in time. We have, as a nation, all the abilities and resources known to mankind, and yet all too often we allow our most precious resource and the most vulnerable, to be continually dismissed, neglected, abused and laid to rest without a second thought…our children.
We have the ability to “see”, but have no effective “vision” for protecting our children. Not a single day passes as we read about yet another child being sexually abused. I know because I’m posting these stories on our website. I actually have to limit and keep it to a minimum for fear that people would stop reading. That, and the toll it takes on my psyche.
So why is it that with all of the abilities and resources we have, we fail as a society to protect them? I had a close friend of mine, Patrick Tomlinson, point out something to me I had not considered. He said the following, “In some ways I think the American Dream is a problem – there is an idealization by many Americans of how ‘great’ the country is – this then makes it challenging to raise some of the not so great realities into public focus. Maybe we should talk less about being great, the land of the free, etc., and more about tackling some of the serious issues that plague children’s/people’s lives?”
And then he brought up another point that really struck a chord with me because it’s an issue I had to deal with. He said, “In the writing you’re doing about the problem of religious groups covering up sexual abuse, how much cover up and denial goes on in the USA – it’s huge. If you are a pedophile you may be protected by the law, but not a drug user who might be blotting out the pain of abuse. While some perpetrators remain free, people who have committed drug related offenses often connected to their trauma, end up in prison.” It was as if he hit me over the head. My own abuser walks free to this day and sexually abused many others after me, meanwhile I became addicted to narcotics to cover the pain and ended up incarcerated for possession. But I’ve already shared that story with you and it’s not the focus of today. The point is how we let offenders go, frequently.
Just last week I posted a story about a pastor of a Baptist church in Iowa who confessed and was convicted of raping four teen boys. He was sentenced to 17 years…only to have a judge overturn the sentence to NO JAIL TIME. This is a perfect example of what Patrick was speaking. We are so consumed with consumption and the belief in this “great” nation but we are failing when it comes to protecting our children. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my county and I DO believe it’s one of the best in the world. But if we don’t change our attitudes and treatment of children, we won’t have the bright future we always hoped to have. I know it’s a cliché to say, the children are our future, but it’s the truth. And if we don’t start defending them from these sexual predators and a judicial system that gives protection to the offenders, these same children will remember when they are older and in charge and will say “to hell with you” when it comes our time to be the ones in need. And frankly, the way we are behaving now, we will deserve it.
The issue is straightforward, as is the answer. Right now, the statute of limitation laws on sex crimes against children are so pathetic, they allow pedophiles/sexual predators to commit hundreds of offenses without fear of prosecution. We MUST make it a nationwide law, and quit trying to go state by state. Make it so there are NO statute of limitations on sex crimes against children. While this won’t help past crimes, it will begin to change the outcome of the future and will let victims know they can finally come forward when a crime has been perpetrated against them. Or if we must go state by state, then please help us do something about it. Demand of every congressman in the nation, if they don’t pass the law now, next election you will put someone in office who will. And hold them to it. Don’t say, well my congressman is good and he/she is trying…horse hockey! Hold their feet to the fire, make them get it done, or boot them out of office.
The law in the USA is in marked contrast to that in other countries. For instance in the UK there is no protection of sexual offenders who committed crimes, however long ago. This has been evident with the recent scandals regarding TV celebrities, many of them family entertainers and household names, some even knighted. One such person, who is now over 80 years old is sentenced to prison. The issue should not be how long ago did the crime(s) take place but whether the person is guilty or not. Of course, it takes a degree of bravery as a nation to have laws like this, no doubt in the UK difficulty and embarrassment have also been caused to the establishment who worked with some of these pedophiles. And then there are the potential law suits against institutions such as the BBC. So it could be argued that the powers that be would have a vested interest in limiting the occurrence of these situations – the current statute of limitations works against the victims of childhood sexual abuse who cannot always talk about the crimes perpetrated against them, until many years later. And unfortunately it does protect pedophiles/sexual predators who remain free to commit further crimes.
Today in the USA, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys are sexually abused by the age of 18. That’s ridiculous for this nation, and we as humans to allow this to happen. And we do allow it to happen by not doing enough to prevent it. The responsibility for this cannot be expected to lie solely with Government Policy, Social Work and Child Protection agencies – it is a responsibility for us as citizens, communities and society. Also of our institutions, schools, churches, synagogues, etc., some of whom are protecting these predators and we’re allowing them to do that too. They pay hush-money or deny or cover-up. And because, as Patrick pointed out, we don’t want to think our great nation has that “bad” of a problem, the reality is too painful, so we are tempted to collude and deny.
I’ll quote my friend again, “After all these years, we have the ‘greatest nation on earth’ and some of the most trusted people in society prey on and abuse children and as you have said, worse than that they can be protected by the system and sometimes those in power – this has been evident in religious institutions that have actively attempted to cover up child abuse.
Ask yourself this one question, why? Why do we continue to allow these crimes to happen? One answer is very simple, we don’t think it will happen to our kids. It’s only when someone dies at an intersection do lawmakers put up a traffic light. The same attitude is with childhood sexual abuse (CSA). The only ones you hear saying anything are those who have been abused. Unfortunately, although our numbers are staggeringly high, it’s just too difficult for most to come forward. And because generally the squeaky wheel gets the grease, victims of CSA go without justice because they are afraid to come forward. So it’s up to the rest of our civilized society. We need this great nation to finally step up, live up to its great name and be the voice for the voiceless, lend strength to those without the might and be courageous for those living in fear and shame of the awful crimes perpetrated against them. Please help. We cannot do this on our own. We need you as a nation to quit looking the other way, and be the nation our forefathers intended…one that protects its children.
If the saying is true, “the meaning of life is to give life meaning”, then what does it say about us as a nation of we fail to give our children’s life meaning, or worse, allow theirs to be stolen from them by sexual predators as we sat by and did nothing?
Act now…be the reason our children’s lives have meaning.
If you want to know why we continue to raise awareness about childhood sexual abuse, and in response to those who seem to think we are crying “chicken little” when it comes to this issue, look no further than this one case. A pastor in Iowa who ADMITTED to raping four teen boys, and has had eight others come forward since, had his sentence reduced from 17 years to NO JAIL TIME.
Our judicial system is broken when it refuses to protect the most vulnerable of our society and if you don’t think it can happen to your children and in your neighborhood then don’t say you weren’t warned when it does. If we won’t stand up now for children like these, then who will when it’s your child, or your neighbors kids?
Please help us to get these judges and lawmakers removed from office and have the statute of limitations on sex crimes against children removed, nationwide.
As a member of the Episcopal Church here in the United States, and a survivor of CSA at the hands of a clergy member I have only one thing to say…Thank God!!! In the various 12-Step programs you hear all the time, admitting there is a problem is the first step. Well, they have not only admitted to the problem, they are seeking ways to prevent it from happening in the first place. At the bottom of this post you will find two articles that are prime examples of what should take place.
Unlike their Roman Catholic, Jewish Orthodox, and Southern Baptist counterparts, and essentially EVERY other religious group, who choose to remain in denial, deflection and dogma that says defend the institution rather than the children, the Church of England has come to its senses and is no longer protecting these pedophiles priests. They have now taken the lead and done what hopefully all schools, religious organizations and civic groups will do. Quit worrying about how much money it’s going to cost them in litigation and do the right thing! They have made a public statement acknowledging the wrongdoing, the cover-ups and how they will protect children and not the church as an organization.
Even though the abuse that happened to me occurred at another denomination, it told me I made the right choice in selecting this one to continue my spiritual growth. The church I once belonged to, more specifically, the church I had dedicated my life to, the Southern Baptist, have not only ignored my plea’s to remove the man who sexually abused me and at least 7 others that I know of, they have told me in no uncertain terms, its not their problem…each church is independent of one another and them as a convention. All of which are bold-faced lies. If each “independent” church doesn’t send the convention a certain amount of dollars, they are denied representation at the national convention. Does that sound autonomous or independent to you? The RCC and the SBC have shown their administrations true colors time and time again, they don’t really care about the protection of children. They either deny, deny, deny or they want to pay “hush money” for things to just “go away”. And in doing so, they facilitate these pedophiles/sexual predators to keep harming more children. In my opinion that’s condoning, not condemnation.
Which is why I say now I’m so thankful for how the Anglican church is acting. In doing so they are saying to me, we are genuinely sorry and even though we didn’t help protect others in the past, we will do all we can to prevent this from happening in the future. And the bottom line, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I am not a church or religion “hater”. To the contrary, it’s my faith that has helped me overcome much of the pain caused by these so-called men of the cloth. And it’s because of my faith I want to see things changed WITHIN the church, not have the church TORN DOWN.
I can only hope and pray that others will follow their lead. But if the past actions are any indication of future ones, it doesn’t look good. It appears the only way things change with them is to hit them in the wallet as hard as you can. Which means survivors of CSA brave enough to come forward are forced to relive and retell their nightmares over and over through depositions, trials, etc. And by forcing survivors to do this, these religious leaders are victimizing them all over again.
If you really want to see change within your organization, it’s going to take some effort. You must do as we have been for some time now. Write and call your state and national leaders of whatever group you belong. Demand that they make REAL, LASTING change, not just empty, broken promises as they have done in the past. A quick google search will tell you who you need to contact, and if you’re having difficulty finding them, just email us and we’ll be happy to help.
Please stand with us and demand that your church, your school or any organization that harbors these pedophiles/sexual predators stop denying and start defending the ones they should…the ones they were charged to protect…the children.
In the following article you will read why the fight to make change within the Roman Catholic Church, and any organization really, takes so long…if ever. It’s because the very people charged with the duty of protecting our children are the ones offending and committing the crimes and then doing all they can to cover it up.
This is why we do what we do. This is why we won’t stop until these people are removed from places of authority. And this is why we continue to ask for your help. All of our children and the adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse need your help. If you don’t, then who will? Certainly not the people in power right now. They are in self-preservation mode and they couldn’t care less about your kids or the ones already harmed.
But don’t take my word for it…PLEASE, do your own research and find out for yourself. Then join us in fighting this evil that is beyond the pale and do something to help. Give financially if able, give of your time to kids in need, or offer your services to adults who cling to life every day because of the pain they live in. Please do something. I’m begging of you.
Tonight we had another amazing opportunity to share with everyone what we are doing to help survivors of CSA. For the second time, Bill Murray of NAASCA (National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) and SCAN (Stop Child Abuse Now) had us as a guest on his radio show. If you didn’t have the chance to hear it live, Bill archives each show and below is the link to tonight’s episode. Additionally we have provided the link to NAASCA.
I consider Bill a true friend and warrior advocate for those who have suffered childhood trauma. He has assembled an incredible team that genuinely cares for survivors and wants to see real change take place to both protect our children and help survivors find their way to a healing path.
Thanks again Bill! And to those that didn’t hear it, take a little while and tune in to find out how you might help others.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), I have been searching for sometime to figure out a way to summarize the challenges survivors face. But due to the levels of pain and varieties of struggles each individual confronts, it seemed like this wasn’t possible. That is until I was watching, of all things a tv show, when I had a moment of clarity. A young lady had been kidnapped and was all alone. While listening to the dialogue of the actors and imagining how a real kidnap victim must feel it hit me like a ton of bricks…
The loneliest feeling in the world…is waiting to be found.
And there it was. My own personal struggle was wrapped up in that one, simple but excruciatingly painful statement. Survivors of CSA know this feeling. We live in constant fear of people learning what we are currently going through or have been through. We live in perpetual terror that our deepest, darkest secret will be exposed. Our fear, shame and guilt is compounded daily in our hearts, it weakens our spirits and like a weight, its sits on and sinks into our thoughts – emotionally, mentally and at times even physically. It feels like an wrecking ball holding us down, preventing us from moving, from doing anything or going anywhere.
The tv show I was watching showed the kidnap victim left to die, held down by spikes in the desert, hands and feet bound to those spikes. She was all alone, in the middle of nowhere, with no help in sight. And during this time, she had no idea if she would ever be found, or if she would die alone, with this horrific secret.
And in that story is the analogous representation of the degree of despair felt by survivors of CSA. We have that same sense of abandonment, of being all alone, all the while, we need and we want more than ANYTHING, for someone, ANYONE, to FIND OUT and to FIND US!
In its simplest terms, what we need is much like the moment a child has a parent rip off a bandage from a banged up knee or elbow. When a band-aid is pulled off it hurts like hell, but then when done, there is this immense sense of relief. And the growing sense of relief is so much more powerful than the instant moment of pain. Thats not to say we don’t get that band-aid ripped off over and over again when we relive the experience by telling our story, or testifying in court or being deposed, but by engaging on a healing path, we can find a way to move froward productively. Just as a survivor feels extreme emotional trauma in the moments/hours/days surrounding the time people learn the truth about their abuse, once the initial pain subsides, the healing can begin.
I know I have said this before, and I’ll continue to say it until there’s no breath left in my lungs. If you are or have been a victim of CSA, reach out now. You are not alone. You may have been left in the desert, but you now have people looking for you and available to help you. If not with TWH, find someone, some group, somewhere. They are all around and willing to help you. And may we all find the peace we deserve.
I recently read an article from childabusesurvivor.net and in it they referenced a story from the Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse blog. It’s a story I had heard years before in a training seminar but as the author of the blog stated, “Sometimes we just need to be reminded!”
In the room filled with more then 200 people, a well-known speaker started off a seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill, asking, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up.
The speaker said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, “Who still wants it?”
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, “What if I do this?”
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty and asked, “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
The speaker stated: My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who LOVE you.
In the post, the author stated that, “The $20 bill is still worth $20, but once the speaker got done with it, it was different than when it started. Abuse does affect us, it does change us. It leaves scars, or dirt and creases to stay with the metaphor, but even with those effects, the value of the bill stays the same. It just takes some effort to smooth out the wrinkles.”
And I believe this is an excellent point that needs repeating. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), we often feel like that crumpled up bill. Like we’ve been run through the wringer and left out on our own. Which brings me to the point I really want to emphasize.
Alone…
It’s a horrible word and feeling for survivors of CSA. We talked about it in our monthly support group meeting this past week. We went around and talked about how each of us, in our own unique but similar ways, experience the feeling of being “alone”. Not loneliness, but truly “alone”.
As we went around I heard words and phrases like “rejection”, “not believed”, “discarded”, “isolation” and one that really stuck with me, “I felt like my core was stolen”. It was that last one that I could entirely relate. As I laid in that bed, time and time again, as the abuse continued, more and more of me felt like it was disappearing, like the core of who I was, was no more. So as the years went on I tried to fill that void with things, substances and people.
The things being objects of desire, whether it be a simple knick-knack I called a collectible or a new car. The substances were narcotics that numbed me from the feeling of being alone and pain that permeated every pore of my body. And the people were a series of failed attempts to feel loved and wanted. But no matter what I tried, nothing and no one could fill that void, that feeling of being alone.
It wasn’t until I finally came to terms with what had happened, the crime perpetrated against me that I could even begin to have some sense of who I really was, what my core was made of. And I believe most survivors struggle with this. So what do we do? How do we move forward if you, like myself and others, feel that “core” is not what it should be?
The first thing you MUST know is that you are NOT alone. Right now in the USA, there are between 55 and 75 million survivors of CSA. And that’s just the ones we can count based on statistics of those who’ve come forward. So know you have many people that have been through what you have. In addition, there are now many groups established to provide the help, support and guidance that once did not exist. Whether its Together We Heal, NAASCA, RAINN or the many others out there, you have a place to go, so please reach out, and find one that will help you.
And finally, what I found that helped me begin to move forward was getting some professional help. Therapy, in it’s many forms, is available to you. For some, you might have the funds to pay for it, or if you have insurance, utilize it. And for those that have neither, there are now groups that will help you at no cost. So whether you have the funds or not, there’s no reason to not find a therapist or group that can help guide you on a healing path. A path that will help you find your core, a path to no longer feeling alone. So take a little lesson from that $20 dollar bill…reach out and find your worth. You are worthy and deserving of it.
More unfortunate proof that NO religion, denomination, or group of ANY kind is immune from the plague that is childhood sexual abuse (CSA). When will we as a nation finally take a stand and DEMAND that our children be protected and these pedophiles and sexual predators be prosecuted. Because up to now, it’s been the other way around. These same institutions that are supposed to be the protectors of our kids, victimize them further and hide these atrocities at any costs.
Please folks, wake up. Don’t wait until its your child or one that you know before you take action. Join us at TWH, or join some group working toward the same goal. 1 in 3 to 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys in the US alone are sexually abused before the age of 18. If that number doesn’t get your attention, maybe this one will, those numbers mean between 55 and 70 MILLION people alive today in the US are survivors of CSA. If that doesn’t get your attention obviously either nothing will, you don’t care or you don’t believe it.
But if you do, help us help protect our kids and get these survivors the help they need to begin to heal. And stand up, let your voices be heard by your lawmakers in making REAL change. Demand that there be NO Statute of Limitations on sex crimes against children. Until that happens and we actually prosecute these predators, no effective change will take place.
Together We Heal 