Together We Heal is for any who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. We provide a safe forum for survivors of abuse to share, learn and heal. We work to expose sexual predators and their methods of getting into our lives.
The following is a post a friend of mine wanted to share. She has helped me realize that as survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we are just one set of the victims in this crime. I’m thankful for her sharing with me and pointing out that children, loved-ones and others also suffer the consequences of the abusers actions. Please welcome her writing and the willingness to open up her heart and hurt with us.
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When you’re growing up, you look up to your parents for wisdom and to see how you are supposed to be when you grow up. Parents are the ones you’re with the most and they mold you into who you are today.
Parents aren’t perfect, even though when we are young we think they are. We tend to place them on a pedestal and never recognize the tarnish and wear, or what may be going on inside of them. Let’s face it, our job as children is to have fun and play and try to obey our parents because in our minds, we trust they know what’s good for us.
For me, childhood was probably a little more difficult than an average child. It seemed I could never do right. I couldn’t say the right things or be the right way. Yet, somehow inside me – I still would seek out approval from my mother. Call me a glutton for punishment, stubborn, hard-headed, etc., I’ve been called worse.
My mother and I were two independent, head-strong individuals and we clashed like most teenagers do with their parents, but then there were times when I would be on the receiving end of some pretty hateful comments. It wasn’t until I was older that I came to the realization of what was really going on.
Growing up constantly being told you’d never amount to anything isn’t easy to take, nor is hearing how I’m so pathetic. Thousands upon thousands of children hear this at some point in their life. I’m not saying that I’m that different just that I have scars from the verbal abuse I endured.
So why am I on a victims of CSA website and blog? Simply put, I’m a victim of a victim.
No, I was not sexually abused but I did suffer from the effects of CSA, the effects they had on my mother. Because she chose not face the things that happened to her when she was younger, this played a huge role on how she interacted with others. Her relationships with her family and extended family suffered.
On the outside and in public, she was a stunning, beautiful woman. Very intelligent and determined to become more – do more, no one would have ever thought she was battling with her own doubts. At home, she tended to be disconnected, cold and hard-hearted. I don’t remember a lot of hugs and kisses growing up. I sat back and watched as my friends had seemingly great relationships with their mothers and would envy their mother/daughter connection. It was hard.
Over the years, my attempts to reach out and share the events of my life weren’t received very well. I think the most intimate mother/daughter moments we shared were when I got married or when I had my child. It’s still hard – sometimes I mourn that lost relationship – the memories that could have been but never were.
In my early motherhood days, I found myself reacting to things the way my mother used to – quick to anger and disconnected. I came to realize a cycle was starting and not a healthy one. I realized I was turning into my mother and not in those funny, cute ways we joke about with our friends. This cycle of hatred at the world had begun and I had to do something about it to break the cycle or another innocent child would fall victim to this madness. Another relationship would suffer.
You see, during my late high school years, my mom had confided in me her deep dark secret. She was sexually abused as a child. I never really grasped how deep the pain was, how deeply it effected who she had become. I really don’t think the light bulb of that reality hit me until after I had my own child and knew I had to break the cycle of anger.
For those of you out there afraid to take the steps to get help, please realize, you’re not the only victim. How you react to the travesty of what happened to you can last for generations. I’m asking you to take the steps necessary to begin healing – If you don’t do it for you, do it for those you love, your wife, your husband, your children and even your grandchildren.
If you find yourself in my shoes – please know you aren’t alone. Reach out to Together We Heal or find someone you can talk to. Know you are worthy and don’t believe the words spoken in anger. I know it’s not easy to accept, but you can overcome this and break the cycle.
Please don’t ever forget – To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.
By Michelle Lea Anthony-Hopper
Michelle is not just a friend, she’s also the TWH web designer, webmaster and on the Board of Consultants. Much like she was unaware of my abuse, I was unaware of what she had been through until we started working together on projects for TWH. We are honored to have her as an integral member of the TWH team and family.
Our partners at the Maryland Children’s Alliance are hosting the 2013 Annual Mid-Atlantic Conference on Child Abuse & Neglect – Please take a moment to read –
As a member of the Episcopal Church here in the United States, and a survivor of CSA at the hands of a clergy member I have only one thing to say…Thank God!!! In the various 12-Step programs you hear all the time, admitting there is a problem is the first step. Well, they have not only admitted to the problem, they are seeking ways to prevent it from happening in the first place. At the bottom of this post you will find two articles that are prime examples of what should take place.
Unlike their Roman Catholic, Jewish Orthodox, and Southern Baptist counterparts, and essentially EVERY other religious group, who choose to remain in denial, deflection and dogma that says defend the institution rather than the children, the Church of England has come to its senses and is no longer protecting these pedophiles priests. They have now taken the lead and done what hopefully all schools, religious organizations and civic groups will do. Quit worrying about how much money it’s going to cost them in litigation and do the right thing! They have made a public statement acknowledging the wrongdoing, the cover-ups and how they will protect children and not the church as an organization.
Even though the abuse that happened to me occurred at another denomination, it told me I made the right choice in selecting this one to continue my spiritual growth. The church I once belonged to, more specifically, the church I had dedicated my life to, the Southern Baptist, have not only ignored my plea’s to remove the man who sexually abused me and at least 7 others that I know of, they have told me in no uncertain terms, its not their problem…each church is independent of one another and them as a convention. All of which are bold-faced lies. If each “independent” church doesn’t send the convention a certain amount of dollars, they are denied representation at the national convention. Does that sound autonomous or independent to you? The RCC and the SBC have shown their administrations true colors time and time again, they don’t really care about the protection of children. They either deny, deny, deny or they want to pay “hush money” for things to just “go away”. And in doing so, they facilitate these pedophiles/sexual predators to keep harming more children. In my opinion that’s condoning, not condemnation.
Which is why I say now I’m so thankful for how the Anglican church is acting. In doing so they are saying to me, we are genuinely sorry and even though we didn’t help protect others in the past, we will do all we can to prevent this from happening in the future. And the bottom line, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I am not a church or religion “hater”. To the contrary, it’s my faith that has helped me overcome much of the pain caused by these so-called men of the cloth. And it’s because of my faith I want to see things changed WITHIN the church, not have the church TORN DOWN.
I can only hope and pray that others will follow their lead. But if the past actions are any indication of future ones, it doesn’t look good. It appears the only way things change with them is to hit them in the wallet as hard as you can. Which means survivors of CSA brave enough to come forward are forced to relive and retell their nightmares over and over through depositions, trials, etc. And by forcing survivors to do this, these religious leaders are victimizing them all over again.
If you really want to see change within your organization, it’s going to take some effort. You must do as we have been for some time now. Write and call your state and national leaders of whatever group you belong. Demand that they make REAL, LASTING change, not just empty, broken promises as they have done in the past. A quick google search will tell you who you need to contact, and if you’re having difficulty finding them, just email us and we’ll be happy to help.
Please stand with us and demand that your church, your school or any organization that harbors these pedophiles/sexual predators stop denying and start defending the ones they should…the ones they were charged to protect…the children.
As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), I have been searching for sometime to figure out a way to summarize the challenges survivors face. But due to the levels of pain and varieties of struggles each individual confronts, it seemed like this wasn’t possible. That is until I was watching, of all things a tv show, when I had a moment of clarity. A young lady had been kidnapped and was all alone. While listening to the dialogue of the actors and imagining how a real kidnap victim must feel it hit me like a ton of bricks…
The loneliest feeling in the world…is waiting to be found.
And there it was. My own personal struggle was wrapped up in that one, simple but excruciatingly painful statement. Survivors of CSA know this feeling. We live in constant fear of people learning what we are currently going through or have been through. We live in perpetual terror that our deepest, darkest secret will be exposed. Our fear, shame and guilt is compounded daily in our hearts, it weakens our spirits and like a weight, its sits on and sinks into our thoughts – emotionally, mentally and at times even physically. It feels like an wrecking ball holding us down, preventing us from moving, from doing anything or going anywhere.
The tv show I was watching showed the kidnap victim left to die, held down by spikes in the desert, hands and feet bound to those spikes. She was all alone, in the middle of nowhere, with no help in sight. And during this time, she had no idea if she would ever be found, or if she would die alone, with this horrific secret.
And in that story is the analogous representation of the degree of despair felt by survivors of CSA. We have that same sense of abandonment, of being all alone, all the while, we need and we want more than ANYTHING, for someone, ANYONE, to FIND OUT and to FIND US!
In its simplest terms, what we need is much like the moment a child has a parent rip off a bandage from a banged up knee or elbow. When a band-aid is pulled off it hurts like hell, but then when done, there is this immense sense of relief. And the growing sense of relief is so much more powerful than the instant moment of pain. Thats not to say we don’t get that band-aid ripped off over and over again when we relive the experience by telling our story, or testifying in court or being deposed, but by engaging on a healing path, we can find a way to move froward productively. Just as a survivor feels extreme emotional trauma in the moments/hours/days surrounding the time people learn the truth about their abuse, once the initial pain subsides, the healing can begin.
I know I have said this before, and I’ll continue to say it until there’s no breath left in my lungs. If you are or have been a victim of CSA, reach out now. You are not alone. You may have been left in the desert, but you now have people looking for you and available to help you. If not with TWH, find someone, some group, somewhere. They are all around and willing to help you. And may we all find the peace we deserve.
I recently read an article from childabusesurvivor.net and in it they referenced a story from the Jewish Survivors of Sexual Abuse blog. It’s a story I had heard years before in a training seminar but as the author of the blog stated, “Sometimes we just need to be reminded!”
In the room filled with more then 200 people, a well-known speaker started off a seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill, asking, “Who would like this $20 bill?”
Hands started going up.
The speaker said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
He then asked, “Who still wants it?”
Still the hands were up in the air.
Well, he replied, “What if I do this?”
And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty and asked, “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
The speaker stated: My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who LOVE you.
In the post, the author stated that, “The $20 bill is still worth $20, but once the speaker got done with it, it was different than when it started. Abuse does affect us, it does change us. It leaves scars, or dirt and creases to stay with the metaphor, but even with those effects, the value of the bill stays the same. It just takes some effort to smooth out the wrinkles.”
And I believe this is an excellent point that needs repeating. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA), we often feel like that crumpled up bill. Like we’ve been run through the wringer and left out on our own. Which brings me to the point I really want to emphasize.
Alone…
It’s a horrible word and feeling for survivors of CSA. We talked about it in our monthly support group meeting this past week. We went around and talked about how each of us, in our own unique but similar ways, experience the feeling of being “alone”. Not loneliness, but truly “alone”.
As we went around I heard words and phrases like “rejection”, “not believed”, “discarded”, “isolation” and one that really stuck with me, “I felt like my core was stolen”. It was that last one that I could entirely relate. As I laid in that bed, time and time again, as the abuse continued, more and more of me felt like it was disappearing, like the core of who I was, was no more. So as the years went on I tried to fill that void with things, substances and people.
The things being objects of desire, whether it be a simple knick-knack I called a collectible or a new car. The substances were narcotics that numbed me from the feeling of being alone and pain that permeated every pore of my body. And the people were a series of failed attempts to feel loved and wanted. But no matter what I tried, nothing and no one could fill that void, that feeling of being alone.
It wasn’t until I finally came to terms with what had happened, the crime perpetrated against me that I could even begin to have some sense of who I really was, what my core was made of. And I believe most survivors struggle with this. So what do we do? How do we move forward if you, like myself and others, feel that “core” is not what it should be?
The first thing you MUST know is that you are NOT alone. Right now in the USA, there are between 55 and 75 million survivors of CSA. And that’s just the ones we can count based on statistics of those who’ve come forward. So know you have many people that have been through what you have. In addition, there are now many groups established to provide the help, support and guidance that once did not exist. Whether its Together We Heal, NAASCA, RAINN or the many others out there, you have a place to go, so please reach out, and find one that will help you.
And finally, what I found that helped me begin to move forward was getting some professional help. Therapy, in it’s many forms, is available to you. For some, you might have the funds to pay for it, or if you have insurance, utilize it. And for those that have neither, there are now groups that will help you at no cost. So whether you have the funds or not, there’s no reason to not find a therapist or group that can help guide you on a healing path. A path that will help you find your core, a path to no longer feeling alone. So take a little lesson from that $20 dollar bill…reach out and find your worth. You are worthy and deserving of it.
Our needs are increasing for more therapists/counselors. Please read and contact us ASAP!!
My name is David Pittman and I am the Executive Director for “Together We Heal”. We are a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization that provides cost-free counseling/therapy for survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Additionally we give presentations, workshops and seminars on how parents can better protect their children from sexual predators.
We already work with dozens of licensed therapists, counselors and life-coaches, who donate their time and talent in order to help survivors begin the healing process and work through the multiple mental health challenges they face. But that number still isn’t enough.
With ever-increasing healthcare costs combined with the limitations placed on mental healthcare providers, as well as the rising number of survivors coming forward, we find ourselves in greater need of more therapists/counselors willing to work with us to help survivors of abuse.
It is with these factors in mind that I come to you now asking for your generosity. We need more volunteers who are qualified in working with victims who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. Below is a brief list of the variety of challenges these survivors face and we need for you to have experience in these areas.
Abandonment Issues
Addiction & Recovery
Anger Issues
Attachment and Abuse Issues
Depression and Anxiety
Panic Disorder and Phobias
Personality Disorders
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorders (PTSD)
I know this is an unorthodox approach of reaching out to professionals, but we are in desperate times, and these survivors need us to take drastic measures. We are following the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital model, that no one be turned away because they can’t afford it.
We do not ask for or require any minimum time from any of our volunteers. Whatever time you are able to give, we are grateful for and appreciate. Even if you can help just one or two survivors, that would be a tremendous gift! And the need is not just in the U.S., we need therapists/counselors from all over the world as people reaching out to us come from all continents.
I know what I am asking is not easy, but I also know there are enough good-hearted people in this world who are willing to help these survivors. I know because I am a survivor of CSA and its because I had the good fortune of having such a therapist come into my life and help me that I am where I am today. It is to you I am speaking directly.
Please contact me at (754) 234-7975 or email me at dpittman@together-we-heal.org – Contact me anytime and I will respond ASAP.
When emailing, please send your CV, resume, list of certifications/degrees, or the life experience you’ve had that qualifies you to help others, so we can go through the proper vetting process.
One last point. We aren’t looking for cookie-cutter therapists and counselors. The needs of survivors vary tremendously and because of that, we have people from many types of backgrounds that work together with us. Being a survivor of abuse or having life experience can be just as important as a degree on the wall. What we need are folks that genuinely care for and want to help others. Please keep this in mind and allow your heart to guide you when considering becoming a part of this amazing team.
Respectfully,
David Pittman
Executive Director, Together We Heal
As recovering addicts and/or survivors of childhood sexual abuse, we often compare what we went through to that of others. It’s human nature. We think to ourselves, well what they went through was so much worse than myself, what gives me the right to complain. Or conversely, we look at another and say, oh come on, that’s all? We constantly do this.
I remember sitting in my first few NA rooms, listening to story after story and thinking, I’m not like these folks at all. I’m no crackhead, walking the streets, selling my body for a $10 high. Or I would rationalize, I’ve NEVER shot junk in MY veins or shared a needle with a disease-riddled body. Then one day I heard a story not so different from mine. It’s what therapists and sponsors call “your moment of clarity”. It’s when you finally come to terms with your own addiction and figure out, an addict is an addict is an addict. It doesn’t matter what the drug is, or the background your come from or even what you’ve done to get high. It’s when you acknowledge that you have no control over the drugs that control you.
And being a survivor of CSA is no different. It doesn’t matter who abused you, how often it happened, what they did to you or they made you do to them. A survivor is a survivor is a survivor. One case is not “worse” or “lesser” than another. To illustrate let me share a story a trusted friend told me many years back. He asked me to answer what appeared to be a simple question.
Three scenarios:
First, a teen about to go on their very first prom date when, BAM! A huge zit appears at the very end of their nose. With no way to conceal and no time to heal, panic and anxiety set in.
Second, a young man has just been told by the Dean, his academics did not pass this semester and will be on probationary suspension for 1 term. How does he begin to explain this one to mom and dad? And did I mention, he’s on scholarship because they have no money to send him to college.
Third, a couple just received a $30,000.00 bill from the IRS. Evidently their CPA was didn’t file properly and no matter what, they are now liable for all monies, plus penalties. No if’s, and’s or but’s about it, they MUST pay and they don’t have enough savings to cover it. And oh yeah, their daughter just came home pregnant from college. Another two mouths to feed and bodies to keep warm and safe inside their home.
So the query is…which one is “worse”?
Being the bright young man I was at the time, I told him, oh this is easy! I’ve already had a “zit moment” that totally embarrassed me in high school. He or she will eventually forget all about that nonsense! As for the young man in school, I could relate. Got into some trouble in college and had to “sit out” a semester myself. No biggie! I went to Florida for that term, worked for my dad and when I’d “done my time and penance”, I reenrolled, finished up and graduated from the University! So the answer was clear, the couple with the 30k debt to the IRS. What a horrible position to be in. With no foreseeable way to pay, with a child and a grandchild returning “home” in need of mom and dads support, both emotionally and financially. This was a no-brainer.
Turns out, I was the only one with no brain! You see, we each “see” the prism of crisis through our own life experience. If we have already been through an event, we understand what lies on the other side. What potential outcomes there may be. Even what variety of options are available to us. But to each and every one of those folks, the situation before them was the “worst” they had ever faced at that point in their lives. With NO idea of how they were going to get through it. It’s truly relative when it comes to situational crisis. There is no such thing as a “bigger or lesser” problem. To whomever is going through what they are going through, at that moment, it’s the biggest challenge they’ve had to face.
So keep this in mind when working with others or when addressing your own struggles. Remember to be compassionate to those around you. And don’t forget to give yourself a break too. We all need some sympathy and empathy in our times of trials and tribulation.
One hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was, the sort of house I lived in, or the kind of car I drove…but the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child. –Anonymous
Truth is truth, right? And if it is so, then whether we agree with it or not, it’s still the truth. You may not agree with the concept of gravity, especially if you’re like me when you step on a scale. But if you step off a second floor balcony with no net to catch your fall, you will discover a hard, cement-tasting truth.
Copernicus, Galileo, Bruno and multiple other thinkers were at one time called heretics. In the end, what they found to be the truth went against ALL popular “scientific” notions of the day, religious beliefs or merely values held at the time.
I say this to bring to light the following truth I’ve discovered in my own life –
“You must enter your past to fix your present. If you don’t, you will have no future.”
I know, I know, sounds like a psychobabble cliche, but just as we call something a “generalization”, there’s a reason, that’s because they are “generally” true. So this time, with a non-judgmental or preconceived notion, let me repeat and have you read it once more…
…”you must enter your past to fix your present. If you don’t, you will have no future.”
I admit it sounds a bit ominous. And while it may be hard to hear, I’m merely trying to make a point, emphasizing the truth I discovered in my own life. It wasn’t until I went back to my past; the acknowledgment of the childhood sexual abuse that I endured from ages 12-15, that enabled me to begin to work through the issues of the present of that time. Once acknowledged and beginning to heal, I finally, for the first time in almost 10 years, began to see the potential of a future that lay ahead.
Once upon a time, I was heavily addicted to multiple narcotics to numb myself from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. This led to three arrests, jail time, fines, no drivers license for a year, loss of tens of thousands of dollars in wages from a career I was genuinely passionate about. And in varying degrees, it cost me a relationship of five years, another of four and even an earlier one of six years. This “past” was destroying my “present” and if something didn’t give, my “future” was going to be even more limited than it already was!
But my story is not an isolated one. It’s not even unique and definitely not as harsh, from my perspective, as some others have been through. But that’s just from my life view. We all have a different one.
So how do we do accomplish this task? How do we get from point A to point B? That is to say, how do we look into our past, into that abyss, without falling back in? Then how do we take that information, apply it to our present so that we have the opportunity to move on into a more positive future? A lot of questions with multiple choice answers, I know.
Even if you’re not an addict or alcoholic, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “admitting you have a problem is the first step.” And with survivors of CSA, this saying has some weight as well, just with a different angle. It’s not that we have to admit we have a problem, we have to admit that a horrible event and crime was perpetrated against us. And this is not an easy or small task. In fact, in my case, I made numerous trips to the place where I knew I had to address my abuser. I drove past it, I stopped at the driveway, heck one time I even got out of the car, was walking up the door of the church, when I turned around and drove back home. In total, it took me 6 trips to finally be able to speak out against my abuser. To tell the people in authority above him exactly what he was, what he was capable of, and the danger he posed to the very children he was charged with protecting.
And that last thing i just mentioned was the real motivation behind what i had to do. More than just my own self-serving, self-healing desires behind the action I knew I had to take, more important than shedding the light on the past…even more at stake was the future of the lives of his potential victims.
I know now I wasn’t his first victim, nor was I his last. And how I wished, prayed and pleaded that someone had come forward before he got to me. So now it was up to me. Now I had the strength to face the cold, hard truth. I knew if the young boys he had access to were to have any chance of a future free from the emotional, physical and spiritual torture I experienced, I was going to have to step up and tell the truth of what this monster is.
If I was to have any potential peace with my own future I had to make sure, to the best of my ability, that no other little boy in his life would be molested, abused or raped. And so I did just that. I acknowledged my past, I took action in the present, and I know now I have done all I could within my power to help those boys have a decent future. And in doing so, my future too is one of peace and healing.
So do whatever you need to enter your past in a healthy way. Whether through one-on-one counseling, group therapy or any other professional help you require. Seek it out so you can begin to “fix” your present. And by that I simply mean whatever will help you begin to heal, I know from personal experience nothing gets “fixed” to what it was before. But in doing this, by beginning to heal, you will have a chance to take back what was stolen from you and to have a future and peace you deserve.
Forgiveness. What an amazing word. What an honorable act. What an indescribable sensation when once we receive it and too, when we dispense it.
I’ve struggled a long time with these words. The reason is simple but tragic. When the very organization that is supposed to teach you the meanings behind these words refuses to protect you. When they even go so far as to take aim and target you as being the person at fault. When in truth, you are not only NOT to blame, but you are the victim of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a minister.
When this is the reality, it becomes increasingly difficult to find any forgiveness for those who allow it to happen, for those who cover it up, for those who choose to protect the predator rather than an innocent child. When they make this choice repeatedly, they victimize and re-victimize those who are most vulnerable. For them, forgiveness seems not only fruitless, but counterproductive in the protection of children.
I give lectures and presentations to civic and religious groups, even to small groups of couples wanting to know how to better protect their children from sexual predators. And you want to know the question I am most often asked? I don’t mean it’s asked occasionally, I’m telling you I get this question more than all other questions combined. They ask, “have you forgiven your abuser?”
At first, I have to admit, I didn’t really know how to respond. I was taken aback. Shocked actually. Of all the questions I expected, this was not one of them. Initially I deflected. Because in truth, I had not even given it consideration. I was so focused on keeping my abuser away from more children, so intent on preventing more children from going through what I did, and so preoccupied with helping support fellow survivors that it never entered my thought process.
Until now.
Now I was forced to face a daunting challenge. You see, my dilemma is this. My spiritual background is Protestant. Specifically, I was raised Southern Baptist. And within that faith was a teaching that we were to forgive as we are forgiven. So it says right in The Lord’s Prayer. On the flip side was my heart. Having been torn apart by a man who has molested, raped and sexually abused an untold number of little boys. How do I forgive that?
So I did something it took me a long time to do after having felt betrayed by the very God that my abuser claimed to represent. I spent a lot of time in prayer and study. I went to the doctrines of every faith and religious text I could find having to do with forgiveness. Time and time again I saw, forgive as you are forgiven. Jesus, Gandhi, no matter the reference, if you don’t forgive, how can you expect to be forgiven? Were these folks right? Was I supposed to forgive this most heinous of crimes perpetrated against myself and all those other little boys?
In all the passages from people of faith, when they spoke of forgiveness they did so when addressing those who had faith. People who held in their hearts a belief in repentance for transgressions. Even those that had done them wrong. It was while having a bible study with my wife Linda that we came across the scripture that opened my eyes. My spiritual eyes, and my heart.
In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus talks about forgiveness. And most of this chapter has to do with Him explaining to his followers how to do certain things. How to pray, fast, etc. As Linda and I read, we began to understand. Jesus was talking about Christians forgiving other Christians, not about forgiving the unrepentant.
This led me to a question.
Is it within my ability to forgive someone who does not have faith or who has no regret or repentance? This led me to an even deeper question from a trusted friend and man who has spent his entire adult life in study and prayer. He posed the following query, “Is a person without faith or repentance even capable of receiving my forgiveness?”
I was blown away.
Rather than paraphrasing, I will simply let him explain in his own words.
“Until someone has first been forgiven by God unto salvation through Christ, we do not have the ability to forgive them. I will take it a step further.. Until a person has become forgiven by God unto salvation they are incapable of receiving human forgiveness. Only God can forgive a non-Christian. That is not to say that we should not pray for their forgiveness. By praying that the non-Christian be forgiven by God, it can help us with the wrong done to us. I hope this brings to light what was meant. Most of us who identify as Christians and have been abused, have this text misapplied and/or misinterpreted for the purposes of keeping us silent. Certainly, you may offer forgiveness to a non-Christian, but until that person is forgiven by God for his original sin, forgiveness can’t be received by the non-Christian.”
This led me to another insight. To those who demanded of me, “you must forgive to be forgiven”, if that were the case, it would mean there are stipulations to my faith. A work or act I must do. And any Protestant who knows their faith, knows we do not come to our faith through works or acts. It is by faith alone.
So not only am I not responsible for forgiving my abuser; until he is repentant, he is incapable of receiving human forgiveness for any transgressions.
I can’t even begin to describe the weight that was lifted from my spiritual heart.
That doesn’t mean we, or rather I, am recused from praying for the faith of this person. But at least now I have the understanding that it’s not my job to forgive him. That’s between God and him. And frankly, I don’t believe someone capable of such things wants redemption. Not when he’s looked me in the eye, cried crocodile tears saying he “didn’t do that anymore”, only to find out he was molesting at least two boys when he told me that. What that tells me is he is not someone seeking redemption, but rather, he’s a pathological liar, pedophile and God only knows what else.
Ultimately, I believe that forgiveness, with regard to the abused, is the most individual of decisions. I believe there is more than one way to skin the “forgiveness” cat. For some, they find it helpful. For me, it’s not necessary. I have no need of it for my healing. And that’s what it’s all about. No matter which way a survivor goes, if they find healing and not vengeance or bitterness in it, it’s a positive.
The bottom line is this: My focus is on my own recovery, healing and that of others that have been through a similar trauma. I know now my calling is to do all I can to educate parents on how to better protect their children and help survivors heal.
And I don’t need a burning bush or talking mule to figure that out.
P.S. August 21st 2019:
Since I first wrote this article I have had the good fortune to work with some amazing people at GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment). People like Boz Tchividjian and Mike Sloan who have taught me much. I will be sharing much of what I have learned from them both in the words that follow. Please take time to consider these words and the people whose lives have been decimated by sexual abuse…
Forgiveness seems to be the “third rail” of sexual abuse and The Church…but it shouldn’t be.
Forcing a victim to forgive can/and most usually will have more adverse effects on them.
Beware of anyone who tells you that God requires you to “reconcile” with your abuser. What they are typically trying to do is manipulate, shame and silence you.
We should never push forgiveness, nor forbid anger. There are reasons for this.
Healing from sexual abuse is a slow process and should only progress at a rate that benefits the victim, NOT the offender, NOT the church as an institution.
Imagine there’s a serious car wreck that takes years to recover.
Imagine they’ve lost a limb and are still trying to heal and learn to move again and someone comes along and tells them…
“Get over it already! Jesus says we must serve, and you are just sitting there!”
“You are just holding on to a victim mentality.” “You aren’t trusting God.”
You aren’t forgiving as God says we are to be.”
Do we really believe this is the right approach?
When we jump to forgiveness without seeking justice, we are mocking God and minimizing the devastation and the impact of the abuse.
Then there are predators and those that enable them, who use forgiveness as a tactic.
I said this before, but it bears repeating, We’re called to care about Justice not only forgiveness.
“Forgiveness” and “Grace” are too often used to manipulate others in the church to avoid consequences and accountability.
Most often used is Matthew 18.
It still breaks my heart that so many church leaders will use this text in this way.
It tells us to go in private, and then if he/she won’t repent take a couple of brothers in Christ. (Your standard, In-House, In-Church investigation).
This scripture was never intended to be about a sheep and a wolf. It’s about 2 fellow Christians.
This is not, as some would have you to believe, the proper, scriptural way to handle cases of sexual abuse.
This, this is how people with bad motives use scripture to silence victims, period.
What makes forcing a victim to forgive before they are able or ready, is that churches and their leaders often justify this under the guise of “protecting the name of Christ.” Jesus doesn’t need our protection.
Jesus can handle himself just fine. But our children? They are the ones Jesus commanded us to protect.
This type of justification is nothing but a pious attempt at self-protection by an individual predator or their enablers.
Also, Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or no accountability.
Where is the accountability or consequence for actions there?
I’ve said this before, saying “I’m sorry” is not a get out of jail free card. At least it sure shouldn’t be!
So what do we need to see from abusers?
Take Full Responsibility
No Excuses, minimization or rationalizations
No blaming the victims
Care more for the victims than their selves
Know that change will be difficult
Accept consequences and accountability
Actions NOT words
Time – true repentance does not occur overnight
When an abuser is caught and cries, that is not repentance.
Words are not repentance. They can be the beginning of repentance…at best.
But for an abuser who has deceived so many for years and years, these things are not going to be easy.
If things appear to be going smoothly, easily, or quickly; that is an almost sure sign of deception, manipulation and control on the part of the abuser/offender.
Together We Heal 