Together We Heal is for any who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. We provide a safe forum for survivors of abuse to share, learn and heal. We work to expose sexual predators and their methods of getting into our lives.
Truth is truth, right? And if it is so, then whether we agree with it or not, it’s still the truth. You may not agree with the concept of gravity, especially if you’re like me when you step on a scale. But if you step off a second floor balcony with no net to catch your fall, you will discover a hard, cement-tasting truth.
Copernicus, Galileo, Bruno and multiple other thinkers were at one time called heretics. In the end, what they found to be the truth went against ALL popular “scientific” notions of the day, religious beliefs or merely values held at the time.
I say this to bring to light the following truth I’ve discovered in my own life –
“You must enter your past to fix your present. If you don’t, you will have no future.”
I know, I know, sounds like a psychobabble cliche, but just as we call something a “generalization”, there’s a reason, that’s because they are “generally” true. So this time, with a non-judgmental or preconceived notion, let me repeat and have you read it once more…
…”you must enter your past to fix your present. If you don’t, you will have no future.”
I admit it sounds a bit ominous. And while it may be hard to hear, I’m merely trying to make a point, emphasizing the truth I discovered in my own life. It wasn’t until I went back to my past; the acknowledgment of the childhood sexual abuse that I endured from ages 12-15, that enabled me to begin to work through the issues of the present of that time. Once acknowledged and beginning to heal, I finally, for the first time in almost 10 years, began to see the potential of a future that lay ahead.
Once upon a time, I was heavily addicted to multiple narcotics to numb myself from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. This led to three arrests, jail time, fines, no drivers license for a year, loss of tens of thousands of dollars in wages from a career I was genuinely passionate about. And in varying degrees, it cost me a relationship of five years, another of four and even an earlier one of six years. This “past” was destroying my “present” and if something didn’t give, my “future” was going to be even more limited than it already was!
But my story is not an isolated one. It’s not even unique and definitely not as harsh, from my perspective, as some others have been through. But that’s just from my life view. We all have a different one.
So how do we do accomplish this task? How do we get from point A to point B? That is to say, how do we look into our past, into that abyss, without falling back in? Then how do we take that information, apply it to our present so that we have the opportunity to move on into a more positive future? A lot of questions with multiple choice answers, I know.
Even if you’re not an addict or alcoholic, I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “admitting you have a problem is the first step.” And with survivors of CSA, this saying has some weight as well, just with a different angle. It’s not that we have to admit we have a problem, we have to admit that a horrible event and crime was perpetrated against us. And this is not an easy or small task. In fact, in my case, I made numerous trips to the place where I knew I had to address my abuser. I drove past it, I stopped at the driveway, heck one time I even got out of the car, was walking up the door of the church, when I turned around and drove back home. In total, it took me 6 trips to finally be able to speak out against my abuser. To tell the people in authority above him exactly what he was, what he was capable of, and the danger he posed to the very children he was charged with protecting.
And that last thing i just mentioned was the real motivation behind what i had to do. More than just my own self-serving, self-healing desires behind the action I knew I had to take, more important than shedding the light on the past…even more at stake was the future of the lives of his potential victims.
I know now I wasn’t his first victim, nor was I his last. And how I wished, prayed and pleaded that someone had come forward before he got to me. So now it was up to me. Now I had the strength to face the cold, hard truth. I knew if the young boys he had access to were to have any chance of a future free from the emotional, physical and spiritual torture I experienced, I was going to have to step up and tell the truth of what this monster is.
If I was to have any potential peace with my own future I had to make sure, to the best of my ability, that no other little boy in his life would be molested, abused or raped. And so I did just that. I acknowledged my past, I took action in the present, and I know now I have done all I could within my power to help those boys have a decent future. And in doing so, my future too is one of peace and healing.
So do whatever you need to enter your past in a healthy way. Whether through one-on-one counseling, group therapy or any other professional help you require. Seek it out so you can begin to “fix” your present. And by that I simply mean whatever will help you begin to heal, I know from personal experience nothing gets “fixed” to what it was before. But in doing this, by beginning to heal, you will have a chance to take back what was stolen from you and to have a future and peace you deserve.
Forgiveness. What an amazing word. What an honorable act. What an indescribable sensation when once we receive it and too, when we dispense it.
I’ve struggled a long time with these words. The reason is simple but tragic. When the very organization that is supposed to teach you the meanings behind these words refuses to protect you. When they even go so far as to take aim and target you as being the person at fault. When in truth, you are not only NOT to blame, but you are the victim of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a minister.
When this is the reality, it becomes increasingly difficult to find any forgiveness for those who allow it to happen, for those who cover it up, for those who choose to protect the predator rather than an innocent child. When they make this choice repeatedly, they victimize and re-victimize those who are most vulnerable. For them, forgiveness seems not only fruitless, but counterproductive in the protection of children.
I give lectures and presentations to civic and religious groups, even to small groups of couples wanting to know how to better protect their children from sexual predators. And you want to know the question I am most often asked? I don’t mean it’s asked occasionally, I’m telling you I get this question more than all other questions combined. They ask, “have you forgiven your abuser?”
At first, I have to admit, I didn’t really know how to respond. I was taken aback. Shocked actually. Of all the questions I expected, this was not one of them. Initially I deflected. Because in truth, I had not even given it consideration. I was so focused on keeping my abuser away from more children, so intent on preventing more children from going through what I did, and so preoccupied with helping support fellow survivors that it never entered my thought process.
Until now.
Now I was forced to face a daunting challenge. You see, my dilemma is this. My spiritual background is Protestant. Specifically, I was raised Southern Baptist. And within that faith was a teaching that we were to forgive as we are forgiven. So it says right in The Lord’s Prayer. On the flip side was my heart. Having been torn apart by a man who has molested, raped and sexually abused an untold number of little boys. How do I forgive that?
So I did something it took me a long time to do after having felt betrayed by the very God that my abuser claimed to represent. I spent a lot of time in prayer and study. I went to the doctrines of every faith and religious text I could find having to do with forgiveness. Time and time again I saw, forgive as you are forgiven. Jesus, Gandhi, no matter the reference, if you don’t forgive, how can you expect to be forgiven? Were these folks right? Was I supposed to forgive this most heinous of crimes perpetrated against myself and all those other little boys?
In all the passages from people of faith, when they spoke of forgiveness they did so when addressing those who had faith. People who held in their hearts a belief in repentance for transgressions. Even those that had done them wrong. It was while having a bible study with my wife Linda that we came across the scripture that opened my eyes. My spiritual eyes, and my heart.
In Matthew 6:14-15 Jesus talks about forgiveness. And most of this chapter has to do with Him explaining to his followers how to do certain things. How to pray, fast, etc. As Linda and I read, we began to understand. Jesus was talking about Christians forgiving other Christians, not about forgiving the unrepentant.
This led me to a question.
Is it within my ability to forgive someone who does not have faith or who has no regret or repentance? This led me to an even deeper question from a trusted friend and man who has spent his entire adult life in study and prayer. He posed the following query, “Is a person without faith or repentance even capable of receiving my forgiveness?”
I was blown away.
Rather than paraphrasing, I will simply let him explain in his own words.
“Until someone has first been forgiven by God unto salvation through Christ, we do not have the ability to forgive them. I will take it a step further.. Until a person has become forgiven by God unto salvation they are incapable of receiving human forgiveness. Only God can forgive a non-Christian. That is not to say that we should not pray for their forgiveness. By praying that the non-Christian be forgiven by God, it can help us with the wrong done to us. I hope this brings to light what was meant. Most of us who identify as Christians and have been abused, have this text misapplied and/or misinterpreted for the purposes of keeping us silent. Certainly, you may offer forgiveness to a non-Christian, but until that person is forgiven by God for his original sin, forgiveness can’t be received by the non-Christian.”
This led me to another insight. To those who demanded of me, “you must forgive to be forgiven”, if that were the case, it would mean there are stipulations to my faith. A work or act I must do. And any Protestant who knows their faith, knows we do not come to our faith through works or acts. It is by faith alone.
So not only am I not responsible for forgiving my abuser; until he is repentant, he is incapable of receiving human forgiveness for any transgressions.
I can’t even begin to describe the weight that was lifted from my spiritual heart.
That doesn’t mean we, or rather I, am recused from praying for the faith of this person. But at least now I have the understanding that it’s not my job to forgive him. That’s between God and him. And frankly, I don’t believe someone capable of such things wants redemption. Not when he’s looked me in the eye, cried crocodile tears saying he “didn’t do that anymore”, only to find out he was molesting at least two boys when he told me that. What that tells me is he is not someone seeking redemption, but rather, he’s a pathological liar, pedophile and God only knows what else.
Ultimately, I believe that forgiveness, with regard to the abused, is the most individual of decisions. I believe there is more than one way to skin the “forgiveness” cat. For some, they find it helpful. For me, it’s not necessary. I have no need of it for my healing. And that’s what it’s all about. No matter which way a survivor goes, if they find healing and not vengeance or bitterness in it, it’s a positive.
The bottom line is this: My focus is on my own recovery, healing and that of others that have been through a similar trauma. I know now my calling is to do all I can to educate parents on how to better protect their children and help survivors heal.
And I don’t need a burning bush or talking mule to figure that out.
P.S. August 21st 2019:
Since I first wrote this article I have had the good fortune to work with some amazing people at GRACE (Godly Response to Abuse in the Christian Environment). People like Boz Tchividjian and Mike Sloan who have taught me much. I will be sharing much of what I have learned from them both in the words that follow. Please take time to consider these words and the people whose lives have been decimated by sexual abuse…
Forgiveness seems to be the “third rail” of sexual abuse and The Church…but it shouldn’t be.
Forcing a victim to forgive can/and most usually will have more adverse effects on them.
Beware of anyone who tells you that God requires you to “reconcile” with your abuser. What they are typically trying to do is manipulate, shame and silence you.
We should never push forgiveness, nor forbid anger. There are reasons for this.
Healing from sexual abuse is a slow process and should only progress at a rate that benefits the victim, NOT the offender, NOT the church as an institution.
Imagine there’s a serious car wreck that takes years to recover.
Imagine they’ve lost a limb and are still trying to heal and learn to move again and someone comes along and tells them…
“Get over it already! Jesus says we must serve, and you are just sitting there!”
“You are just holding on to a victim mentality.” “You aren’t trusting God.”
You aren’t forgiving as God says we are to be.”
Do we really believe this is the right approach?
When we jump to forgiveness without seeking justice, we are mocking God and minimizing the devastation and the impact of the abuse.
Then there are predators and those that enable them, who use forgiveness as a tactic.
I said this before, but it bears repeating, We’re called to care about Justice not only forgiveness.
“Forgiveness” and “Grace” are too often used to manipulate others in the church to avoid consequences and accountability.
Most often used is Matthew 18.
It still breaks my heart that so many church leaders will use this text in this way.
It tells us to go in private, and then if he/she won’t repent take a couple of brothers in Christ. (Your standard, In-House, In-Church investigation).
This scripture was never intended to be about a sheep and a wolf. It’s about 2 fellow Christians.
This is not, as some would have you to believe, the proper, scriptural way to handle cases of sexual abuse.
This, this is how people with bad motives use scripture to silence victims, period.
What makes forcing a victim to forgive before they are able or ready, is that churches and their leaders often justify this under the guise of “protecting the name of Christ.” Jesus doesn’t need our protection.
Jesus can handle himself just fine. But our children? They are the ones Jesus commanded us to protect.
This type of justification is nothing but a pious attempt at self-protection by an individual predator or their enablers.
Also, Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation or no accountability.
Where is the accountability or consequence for actions there?
I’ve said this before, saying “I’m sorry” is not a get out of jail free card. At least it sure shouldn’t be!
So what do we need to see from abusers?
Take Full Responsibility
No Excuses, minimization or rationalizations
No blaming the victims
Care more for the victims than their selves
Know that change will be difficult
Accept consequences and accountability
Actions NOT words
Time – true repentance does not occur overnight
When an abuser is caught and cries, that is not repentance.
Words are not repentance. They can be the beginning of repentance…at best.
But for an abuser who has deceived so many for years and years, these things are not going to be easy.
If things appear to be going smoothly, easily, or quickly; that is an almost sure sign of deception, manipulation and control on the part of the abuser/offender.
As a public advocate for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I’m often asked to give interviews. I’ve done local and regional newspapers, local and online radio shows, heck I’ve even been on national T.V.! Whoop dee do, right?! My feelings exactly. So have mass murderers and folks with no teeth and no shirt explaining how tornados sound. (some of which were my relatives by the way!)
Even less talented folks get syndicated T.V. shows making hundreds of thousands of dollars an episode. So you ask, why do I tell you about giving an interview? Because every once in a while, when the planets are aligned and you tilt your head the right way. It all comes together and something good comes from it!
Such was the case this Monday, April 29th, 2013. I was asked by another advocate for survivors of CSA to appear on her radio show to do an interview. She wanted me to tell my story of abuse, teach parents how to better protect their children from sexual predators…the usual path for my regular interview. But this one turned out to be anything but ordinary.
I have grown to know and respect Trish McKnight over the last couple of years as we crossed paths several times doing similar endeavors to raise awareness for our mutual cause. But with April being Child Abuse Awareness month, she wanted to make sure her slate was full of folks that were either experts in the field, had been running organizations to benefit survivors, were survivors of CSA themselves or some combination of all the above. It’s been a pretty steady cast of folks I respect and admire, so when she asked me to be a part, I was humbled. As any survivor can tell you, we have a hard time accepting our own self-worth. And this for me was no exception.
But I deferred to her wisdom, and to benefit those who receive help from the efforts of “Together We Heal”, and said, “sure! I’d be happy to do the interview with you!”
It began as most do, she had an overview of what TWH does, who it benefits, how we help survivors, etc. And throughout, everything ran perfectly. We had callers, we had those with input from online. Trish and I had good chemistry on-air. And I genuinely enjoyed the entire hour and a half we talked. And we TALKED! Non-stop the whole time! It was great! We gave a lot of important information to help parents, we talked with a caller on how we could help their child. I’m telling you, it was perfect. Or so I thought.
After we went off the air. The emails, calls, tweets came pouring in! Folks were reaching out locally and from one end of an ocean to another. The U.K., New Zealand, Venezuela, you name it, we were being inundated with comments about the show, and ALL of them were positive. Which is exactly what you want. To reach as many folks as you can in an effort to help as many as possible. But not EXACTLY what you want when you are in the business to help people. Don’t get me wrong, those encouragements mean the world to me. They are a part of what keeps us going. But there was something missing, something major.
But then, as the calls, emails and tweets started to decline, there in the midst of them was IT. THE reason why myself, Trish, Rachel, Bill, Marci, Andrew, Margie, Blair, Patricia, and so many to name here its impossible to list them all, get up each morning and do what it is we do. A simple, short email stating…
…I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and I need help. Can you help me?
Then shortly after that, a second email and a third, all asking the same thing. All with their own unique, yet similar stories. We have been sexually abused and we need your help.
I immediately responded and will be arranging for their individual needs over the next week. But that’s not the point. The point is that either they were listening to the show, or someone who cares about them was, made a point to get our contact info and then followed up, making sure they had the ability to reach out to us. That’s love folks. That’s people who care about their family and/or friends.
And that’s why we do interviews.
Because we never know when someone who desperately needs our help will be listening. The point – don’t EVER pass on an opportunity because you might not get a second chance. You’ve heard the phrase, either from the Robin Williams movie, “The Dead Poets Society”, or from Latin class if your old enough, Carpe Diem – Seize the Day. Make the most of every opportunity you have. It’s when you least expect it that you get that surprise. The opportunity to help your fellow man or woman. Don’t ever waste that moment.
I witnessed something this morning that at first made me immensely sad. Initially I thought someone had thrown something at my sliding glass door. When I rose to see who had done it, instead I discovered a tiny blue bird lying on the ground at my feet. Its’ fragile body was twisted sideways and I could see its’ heart pounding from beneath its tattered feathers. As I got closer, it lowered its’ head, its’ heart began to beat slower and I almost started to tear up as I thought I was witnessing the end of this little creature’s life.
My dog was inside going nuts wanting to get to the bird, so I led her away, and truthfully, I really didn’t want to see it die. Strange thing, death. I did my internship at the DeKalb County Medical Examiner’s office in the summer of 1996. I witnessed all manner of death that year. Every conceivable way a person could naturally or horrifically come to their end. The extreme ways in which one or more persons would look into the face of the evil inside to take another’s life. And yet, with the exception of the children’s deaths I saw, I accepted it as the natural occurrence of events, handled myself in a professional manner, and gained knowledge, insight and compassion in what turned out to be a transformative time of my life.
But for some odd reason, I don’t do well with the death of an animal. Especially if it’s been a pet of mine. Knowing this about me, understand why I just couldn’t watch this bird die. So I went back to the couch knowing it wouldn’t be long. I settled my dog down, gave it a few minutes and returned to what I knew was going to be a sad moment.
What I saw before me was remarkable. This brittle-boned fowl had managed to somehow shake the cobwebs out of its little bird-brain, straightened out its feathers, and was teetering back and forth like a heavyweight boxer would had just been given an almost knockout blow! Oh he was wavering back and forth, but he wasn’t down for the count just yet!
I sat down in awe as he fought with every instinct in his body and spirit to regain his composure and his life! As the minutes went on, the rocking back and forth stopped, his heart rate normalized, and eventually he even started to look around as if to say, “What the heck just happened to me?!”
At this point I opened the door, used my cane to scoop him up and onto the shrubs outside my patio so he would be free from ground predators like snakes, rats, etc. You know we have a few of those down here in south Florida.
As I placed him on the shrub, he even started to get his wings flapping. He wasn’t ready to take off yet, but you could tell it was only a matter of time and he was going to be just fine! I was so relieved! I lay back on the couch, watched him for the next 20 minutes and then, BAM, off like a rocket he shot! Flew away as if nothing happened!
This got me reflecting on the “sliding glass doors” that I’ve flown into! After all I have been through; after having been sexually abused as a child, addicted to narcotics in an attempt to numb my emotional pain, arrested, imprisoned, divorced, fired, kicked out, knocked down, and as we say in the south…”felt like I’d been rode hard and put up wet!” How on earth did I manage to do like that little bird? How did I shake off those cobwebs, dust myself off and get back on my feet again? One word – RESILIENT. The human spirit is amazing that way. Like those little birds’ instincts, so ours is to survive at all costs, no matter what’s happened to us.
For that little bird, he was born to fly and that’s what he knew he had to do again. I had to figure out my reason to “fly again”. All of our drive and reasons to push on, to fly again, have as many variables and possibilities as we are individuals. For me, mine is to keep other children from going through what I did and to help my fellow survivors begin to heal. I gain a little more altitude each time a person comes to me and says, “What can I do to better protect my child?” Or when a survivor says, “Thank you for telling your story. When I heard what you said, I knew I could move forward too.” Let me tell you something folks, I’ve done a lot of drugs, I’ve been as high as any addict out there. But for me now, there is no better “high”, no greater lift, then when you know you have helped someone struggling with what you’ve also been through.
So let’s all learn a little lesson from that tiny blue bird. Figure out your reason to fight like hell to survive, and no matter what happens…
A very dear friend of mine and our group “Together We Heal” is doing an AMAZING fundraiser for us. Her name is Angie Frazier Scrivner and she has dedicated a section for TWH on her webpage. While I have told her thank you a hundred times, there’s no way to truly thank someone for giving of themselves and using their business for such good, but I will do my best to try here.
Thank you so very much Angie for doing this for us. But more importantly what you are doing for the survivors of childhood sexual abuse that need this help.
For those that may not know, when we raise money, it goes directly to pay for counseling survivors of CSA that can either not afford it or do not have insurance to cover it. We do not have any “admin costs” or “executive fees” to pay to anyone. We operate solely for the benefit of survivors and raising awareness by public speaking on the issue of CSA. We do a monthly support group meeting here in Fort Lauderdale for the entire South Florida area and the location is provided to us at no charge. Nor do we ask any that attend to give money to pay for books, information packets, etc. We do what we do because every member of TWH is either a survivor themselves or related somehow to one and donates their time, energy and support out of a desire to help. We are truly blessed to have the team of volunteers we have.
Below you will see the link to the webpage. Please take a moment and consider making a purchase for a loved one or simply to help a survivor of CSA.
You don’t see me asking often, but every once in a while we do have to remind everybody that we are only able to do what we do with your help. Thank you for considering helping the survivors Together We Heal reaches.
I have often wondered why so many things in history, our world and in spirituality seem to revolve around the number three. This is NOT a discussion of theology, simply a series of analogous citations for emphasis. Neither am I a numerologist, I just came to a deeper understanding of human nature through a series of questions that brought me to this conclusion. So with an open spirit, indulge me and I believe you will find some truth of your own.
– God’s attributes are three: omniscience, omnipresence, and omnipotence.
– God sent three messengers to Abraham.
– Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.
– Jesus Christ was resurrected on the 3rd day.
– The Holy Trinity: The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
– In Muslim devotional rites, certain formulas are repeated three times.
– A devout Muslim tries to make a pilgrimage to all three holy cities in Islam: Mecca, Medina, and Jerusalem.
Moving away from religion we find it’s significance elsewhere in the natural world, science and math, language, even how we quantify our own time and lifespan with the number of three.
– Thought, word, and deed, complete the sum of human capability.
– Three propositions are necessary to complete the simplest form of argument–the major premiss, the minor, and the conclusion.
– Three kingdoms embrace our ideas of matter–mineral, vegetable, and animal.
– Time is divided into three portions: The past, the present, and the future.
– We designate three phases of our existence: Birth, Life, and Death.
So I found it interesting one day when I learned that a three-legged chair, or stool, is more stable than a four-legged chair. A three-legged chair is guaranteed not to wobble, because the ends of its legs always form a plane. But why is that?
In Geometry, a plane may be considered as an infinite set of points forming a connected flat surface extending infinitely far in all directions. A plane has infinite length and infinite width. I know, I know, boring nerdy stuff, but IMMENSELY important because it deals with love!
In this number we have quite a new set of phenomena. We come to the first geometrical figure. Two straight lines cannot possibly enclose any space, or form a plane figure; neither can two plan surfaces form a solid. Three lines are necessary to form a plan figure; and three dimensions of length, breadth, and height, are necessary to form a solid. Hence three is the symbol of the cube–the simplest form of solid figure. As two is the symbol of the square, or plane contents (x2), so three is the symbol of the cube, or solid contents (x3).
Three, therefore, stands for that which is solid, real, substantial, complete, and entire.
I tell you this so you will understand there are quantifiable mathematical reasons for the “stability” or “completeness” of the number three, as well as ancient mysticism, spirituality and religion.
So, you ask, who cares? There is a very good reason. Do you want to have a better relationship with your spouse, partner, friends or coworkers? Then understand the importance of three. We are made up of three: our body, mind, and spirit. And without any one of those being whole, we are incomplete.
In our relationships, when we bond with others in all three areas, with these main areas being of common ground and goals, there is a much greater chance of success.
Body – Enjoy similar types of lifestyle, whether it be active or sedentary, staying at home or traveling, going for walks/bike rides or sitting inside watching movies.
Mind – Politically, socially compatible doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or believing exactly the same way, just that if it’s important to one it’s important to the other.
Spirit – Common faith or following. A similar set of values, principles or core belief structure.
When any one of these, or more, are sacrificed for the purpose of being in the company of another, the relationship, no matter how serious, will most likely fail.
In my life there have been moments where I so longed for the affection of another I would sacrifice one of these components. In one instance, I gave up all hope of having a spiritual connection with my girlfriend because she had no belief in a higher power. At no point growing up was she encouraged to seek out a divine of any kind. To the contrary, her mother told her it was for fools. So eventually, this lack of faith became our downfall. It’s in those trying times that we of faith tend to lean most heavily upon it, and when my significant other had none, we had no place to turn for support. The result was an utter collapse.
In another attempt for loving companionship, I gave up all of my own personal goals and ambitions to support hers. I got her though nursing college, had her on her way to a masters program, and then when I expressed my desire, even made plans to move forward with it, she called at 2 a.m. from the hospital she worked and said, “I’m not going to help you get your masters degree. I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce.” It was clear afterword that she probably never really loved me, just used me to get what she wanted and when I no longer was willing to serve her purpose, I was discarded.
That being said, I’m not saying that opposites can’t attract. I have an amazing example of a lifelong love, 54 years to be exact, of two people who couldn’t have been more different. He was 36, she was 18 when they married. He was a yellow-dog democrat, she a diehard republican. He was career military, having served in the Army Air Corps, then the Air Force through WWII, Korea and as a Civilian Aid stateside during the Vietnam War. She was a bit of a rebel for her day, having had a child out of wedlock before my grandaddy came along. Scandalous for its time!
The end result was a marriage that lasted until my grandaddy passed at the age of 90. While they had their share of arguments, disagreements and outright fights (nothing physical mind you, only verbal), the one constant was their love for each other and all of us kids. Three girls, plus the girl my granny had before, five grandchildren, and one great-grandchild. We have more now, but that was our family population total at grandaddy’s funeral. And they showed us that love through self-sacrifice, setting an example of a positive work ethic and a never ending reminder to love one another.
The one thing I heard my grandaddy say over and over and over was to make sure to love your brothers and sisters, your cousins, aunts and uncles, and take care of each other, because one day that’s all you’ll have.
And that’s why we have the family bond we do today. And the relationships we have as well. That’s not to say there haven’t been some trial and error along the way. But when we had a misstep, they were right there to help pick us up, dust us off and see us on our way again. As he often said, there’s no harm in failing, only failing to try.
They loved their yard work, they were both up at the crack of dawn and early to bed. While politically polarized, they taught us the ability to debate your position while listening to what the other had to say. They both had a devout belief in an almighty and practiced not with lofty prayers and donations that added wings to church buildings. No, they built their faith within each and every one of the hearts of their children.
That is what I meant about having those THREE COMMON GROUNDS. The REAL stuff. The meat of the relationship. And they had that down pat. They had ideological differences but their ideals were the same. Their main goal was the same—to raise a loving family. And that doesn’t mean we always get along, but in the end, even in moments when we don’t necessarily like each other, we always love each other. And that’s the key.
To have that love, maintain that love and never quit on it. Quitting is easy, fighting for what’s good is challenging. But so worth it.
So work on something we get from a combination of ancient Greek philosophers and William Shakespeare, “Know thyself….and to thine own-self be true, thou canst then not be false to any man.” Once you do this you will find yourself in a position of stability, to truly know and love another. And then don’t quit when it gets tough. Use the example of my grandparents. What they had was solid, real, substantial, complete, and lasted their entire lives. They must have been doing something right!
This week we conclude our 3-part series with Rachel Grant as she provides insight on the topic of abandonment. Whether you are a survivor of childhood sexual abuse or not, this is a subject that many folks experience at some point in their lives. If you have or know someone who has, you will benefit from her wisdom. Thank you so much Rachel for blessing us with your words and your spirit.
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Abandon: to leave completely and finally, forsake utterly, desert, to give up, discontinue, withdraw from, withdraw protection or support
When it comes to abandonment, we are very much driven by a fear of the unknown. We do not know if the people we are connecting to may one day withdraw their protection or support. They may “forsake” us, and not just a little, but utterly. The greater the connection, the greater the risk, because we have more at stake should the person choose to walk away.
In an effort to alleviate this terrible sense of “not knowing,” we will often do a variety of things. We will over-control, seek constant reassurance, or be on high alert for anything that looks like withdrawal. Worst-case scenario, as soon as we start to feel close, we will push away and sabotage the relationship.
The fear of abandonment is extremely common in those of us who have been abused. We have experienced very real and tangible abandonment, the loss of protection by those who were supposed to care for us. Unfortunately, we then begin living as if this is going to be the case with everyone we come across.
For quite a long time, I had the false belief that “people always leave.” As a result, guess what, people around me often didn’t stick around for long, because I would pretty much act in a way that ensured they would not want to! It is hard to acknowledge, but we have to be straight about the role we play that leads us to re-create the experience of being abandoned over and over again.
Earlier, I gave you just the first part of the definition of abandonment. Here is the rest:
To give up the control of, to yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation
When I read this, I thought, “Hmm, maybe I need to abandon myself to abandonment!” Our relationships can thrive if we are willing to shift our focus and energy away from trying to prevent the withdrawal of others and enter into an open, free space, where we are present to the fact that they are here with us right now, in this moment. Instead of maneuvering to try to get some guarantee that they will always be here no matter what, we can appreciate the person for being here right now.
The point is, that fear of abandonment keeps us so focused on the future “what ifs” that we miss out on what is happening right now. Another, and more tragic, outcome is that we behave so poorly as a result of our fear, that we pretty much guarantee that things will fall apart.
There is no getting away from taking risks in relationships. We can, however, learn to take calculated risks. This means we have to get out of the nasty habit of connecting to others who are so high risk that we are pretty much setting ourselves up for failure.
One client, intent on maneuvering to get some guarantee that his girlfriend would never leave, would text her every couple of hours to keep tabs on her. If he did not get an immediate response, his meaning making machine would immediately kick into gear, leading him to thoughts such as “She must be with someone else.” As we worked together to challenge his false beliefs, he first had to acknowledge that, while it was possible that she was with someone else, it was unlikely given all of the experiences they had shared. Furthermore, her actions time and again indicated she was committed. The risk he was taking in trusting her therefore seemed well calculated. We then decided that he must hit the pause button (no meaning making) for four hours after sending a text and would limit his texting to three times a day. Over time, his fear and anxiety gradually abated and he was able to form a deeper bond based on trust and respect rather than fear and anxiety.
We need to practice giving up trying to control the future and remain in the present moment. We also need to give some thought to the types of risks we are taking—are they measured (even if still daring) or just playing with fire?
REFLECTION
1. Who abandoned you and how did they abandon you?
2. What have you come to believe about people and relationships as a result?
3. What do you do to protect yourself from being abandoned?
4. How can you shift your focus from trying to control future outcomes to what is happening right now?
5. How do you know if you are taking a calculated risk or not?
Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Trauma Recovery & Relationship Coach. She is also the author of BeyondSurviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. With her support, clients learn to identify and break patterns of thought and behavior that keep them from recovering from past sexual abuse or making changes in their relationships.
Rachel holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. With this training in human behavior and cognitive development, she provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models. Rachel is a member of the International Coach Federation & San Francisco Coaches.
Today I am happy to present Part II of Rachel Grant’s discussion of “Trust”. Last week there was an overwhelming response on how she addressed “Trusting Yourself”, and I know this week will be no different as she covers “Trusting Others”. Continue to be inspired by her words. Listen with an open spirit and heart. Thank you Rachel.
The last time I wrote, I shared some thoughts on trusting yourself. Now, let’s turn our attention to trusting others. You may still have some work to do to trust yourself, but there is no time like the present to begin transforming your relationships!
For me, the impact of not trusting others was that I walked around guarded all of the time. It was as if I was operating behind a piece of gauze; I remained fuzzy to others and others remained fuzzy to me. I was never able to experience real connection or intimacy.
To move you along toward breaking out from behind your walls, veils, protections, let’s start by simply exploring what it is you think it means to trust someone in the first place.
To develop an ability to trust others, we must learn how to determine who is trustworthy. One of the biggest mistakes we make when determining who is trustworthy is looking for the qualities in others that we ourselves lack. Consider, for example, that we have a very hard time getting projects done on time. This is a quality that we would say a trustworthy person would possess. So, when working with others on a team, we label the woman who is able to get things done on time as trustworthy. Never mind the fact that she cheats on her taxes. The point is we are so focused on the qualities that we lack that we misjudge the character of another person whenever they possess those qualities.
As a result of abuse, our “trust meter” is a bit off balance. We have it tilted way over to not trusting, trusting too easily, or remain apathetic about it, never really connecting or pushing away others. So, how can we give our trust meter a tune-up and rebalance it?
First, we need to challenge our general understanding of what trust is. Regardless of what you have thought it means, I want you to try on a new understanding of trust.
• Trust is not about judging the character and quality of another person.
• We do not come to trust a person as a whole.
• Rather, we come to trust the person to honor a specific commitment.
• No one is 100 percent trustworthy.
Remember the example of the team member who finishes her work on time, but cheats on her taxes? She is completely trustworthy when it comes to completing tasks on time. She is not trustworthy when it comes to dealing with the IRS. For any given person, there is always some commitment we can trust, but there is always another we cannot. This is why trust is not about judging the character or quality of a person, but rather judging and evaluating the commitments you can trust the person to honor.
When relating to others, we should seek to know the difference between commitments likely to be honored and those that likely will not. We want to understand what sorts of commitments a person follows through on more often than not and hope that these line up with what is important to us. This will vary by person and by commitment.
Our job then is to decide whether or not to trust someone by considering their behavior and speech as signals of their beliefs, values, and intentions, which are all indications of what commitments they are willing to keep, how often, and for how long. Keep in mind that behavior is a much better indicator than what people say.
Let’s bring this all together with a familiar example: the friend who always cancels at the last minute.
You have just begun a new friendship with Greg and he seems like a great guy. Friendly, down-to-earth, smart, and the two of you just seem to click. You have gone out a few times and really enjoyed yourselves, that is, when he manages to show up. Though Greg said he was really looking forward to dinner tonight, he just texted to say he can’t make it. This is about the fifth time this has happened.
Can you trust Greg to keep his commitment to show up for events? Nope.
Can you trust Greg to be present, fun, and enjoyable when you are together? Yes.
Can you trust Greg overall? It depends on what you value more. No one is 100 percent trustworthy, but the scale can tip in one direction or the other. For one person, Greg canceling is in such contradiction to their own values that the scale tips toward untrustworthy. For another person, the quality of the time they have when they are together is more important, and so the scale tips in the other direction toward trustworthy.
Moreover, we must come to understand that trust is not an all-or-nothing deal. We can trust someone in a few minor ways and still enjoy them. We may have others in our lives who we trust more deeply and for a greater number of things. It is important to move away from the trap of thinking that each person in our life must be trusted at the same level.
Once we have developed a healthy trust meter, we will be able to determine where someone falls on this spectrum based on which commitments we come to believe they will keep and relate to them accordingly.
Oh, and the bad news is…
In case you missed it, there is no such thing as a 100 percent trustworthy person, which means there is no guarantee that people will not let us down, hurt us, or behave terribly.
But, the good news is…
We do not have to judge the person as a whole and give them a badge of trustworthy honor. Instead, we can prioritize our beliefs, values, and intentions, and judge to see if the person can commit to those things.
You see, trusting another person is not about saying “You’re good, you’re safe”—it is about saying “I know that, in these areas, I can count on you, and I acknowledge and understand the areas where I can’t.” If we continue striving to prove that someone is “good,” then, as soon as they show a flaw, we will cut them off, deem them untrustworthy, and continue our cycle of being closed off and disconnected.
By the way, this also applies when thinking about our own commitments and trustworthiness!
REFLECTION
1. On a scale of 1-10 (1 never; 10 too easily), how would you rate your willingness to trust others?
2. What has been the impact on your life of not being able to trust others?
3. I can trust myself if I keep my commitments to …. even if I am unable to commit in other ways.
4. I can trust a person if they keep their commitments to …. even if they are unable to commit in other ways.
Next week Rachel will conclude her 3 Part Series with insight on the issue of “Abandonment”.
Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Trauma Recovery & Relationship Coach. She is also the author of BeyondSurviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. With her support, clients learn to identify and break patterns of thought and behavior that keep them from recovering from past sexual abuse or making changes in their relationships.
Rachel holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. With this training in human behavior and cognitive development, she provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models. Rachel is a member of the International Coach Federation & San Francisco Coaches.
I am honored to present the first of three articles from my friend, author and all-around amazing person, Rachel Grant! Rachel will be talking about matters of “Trust” and “Abandonment”. These are topics that all of us as survivors of abuse can benefit. Please be sure to check in over the next three weeks. I promise you, she will provide insight and guidance to help. I know because she has helped me already.
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Learn to Trust Yourself
Many survivors struggle with trust. It is not surprising given that our fundamental trust in another person was shattered as a result of abuse. In fact, it is hard for some survivors to remember ever trusting anyone.
When I first thought about trusting others, I felt a huge knot in my stomach. I did not want to rely on the integrity or character of another person. After all, I had relied on the character of someone, and he abused me. I also had a very hard time believing that people would not always leave, let me down, or harm me. I was in a terrible loop of being out to prove that no one could be trusted, and I was succeeding.
There are a couple of layers involved when we think about trust: defining trust, trusting ourselves, trusting others and determining who is trustworthy, and, the biggie, embracing vulnerability. For today, we’re just going to think about trusting ourselves.
As we think about trust, we often focus on determining if a person is trustworthy or not. To be sure, this is very important. However, trusting yourself is actually the first step! If you do not have the confidence that you can make good decisions, judge others with wisdom and clarity, and set the boundaries that are necessary when others violate your trust, then thinking about trusting others will prove to be an empty and meaningless endeavor.
To begin trusting ourselves, we need to figure out the answer to one very important question:
I do not trust myself because …
Once we identify the beliefs that are holding us back from trusting ourselves, we then need to do the work to challenge these beliefs.
As in all things, start small. Setting a goal that focuses on just one area where you want to begin learning to trust yourself is a good place to begin. I also encourage you to read more about challenging false beliefs directly using a few simple steps.
Too often we strive to be open to others, to trust, but find ourselves pulling away, making a mess of things, or being hurt by our choices. If you find yourself over and over again struggling to trust others, it is possible that your focus needs to be shifted from outward interactions to inward reflection and growth.
Being grounded in who you are, confident in your ability to make good decisions, and able to set and keep boundaries are critical components of trusting others.
Next week, I’ll share with you some thoughts on defining trust in a new light and learning to trust others.
REFLECTION
1. On a scale of 1-10 (1 never; 10 too easily), how would you rate your ability to trust yourself?
2. In what areas of life do you trust yourself to make good choices?
3. In what areas of life do you doubt your ability to make good choices?
Next week Rachel will present Part II – “Learn To Trust Others”
Rachel Grant is the owner and founder of Rachel Grant Coaching and is a Trauma Recovery & Relationship Coach. She is also the author of BeyondSurviving: The Final Stage in Recovery from Sexual Abuse. With her support, clients learn to identify and break patterns of thought and behavior that keep them from recovering from past sexual abuse or making changes in their relationships.
Rachel holds an M.A. in Counseling Psychology. With this training in human behavior and cognitive development, she provides a compassionate and challenging approach for her clients while using coaching as opposed to therapeutic models. Rachel is a member of the International Coach Federation & San Francisco Coaches.
Over the last few weeks as a guest blogger on Rachel Grant Coaching, we have talked about childhood sexual abuse as it relates to addiction, depression, anxiety, abandonment, PTSD, the impact it may have on our DNA…Lions and Tigers and Bears, OH MY!!! I only make a joke not to make light of our situation as survivors, but rather to bring a little levity to a situation that for some of feels like the sky is falling and we are being attacked on multiple fronts by creatures that can devour us. So with all of these potential pitfalls and problems seeming to lurk around every corner, what do we do?
Having done my usual research and even stepping into waters just being tested, I have come across both the usual suspects of therapy and a couple not so well-known. It is my hope that no matter whether one of these specific therapies helps you or a loved one or not, you find one that does, because what I do know is that healing from abuse is not something that happens naturally. It takes help, it takes time and it takes work. So please do whatever you need to reach out and find the help that is available.
Under the category of “usual but relatively proven” therapies we find Psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Group Therapy, and Self-Help Groups.
Psychotherapy consists of a series of techniques for treating mental health, emotional and some psychiatric disorders. Psychotherapy helps the patient understand what helps them feel positive or anxious, as well as accepting their strong and weak points. If people can identify their feelings and ways of thinking they become better at coping with difficult situations.
Psychotherapy is commonly used for psychological problems that have had a number of years to accumulate. It only works if a trusting relationship can be built up between the client and the psychotherapist. Treatment can continue for several months, and even years.
Some people refer to psychotherapy as “talking treatment” because it is generally based on talking to the therapist or group of people with similar problems. Some forms of psychotherapy also use other forms of communication, including writing, artwork, drama, narrative story or music. Sessions take place within a structured encounter between a qualified therapist and a client or clients. Purposeful, theoretically based psychotherapy started in the 19th century with psychoanalysis; it has developed significantly since then.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a type of psychotherapeutic treatment that helps patients understand the thoughts and feelings that influence behaviors. CBT is commonly used to treat a wide range of disorders, including phobias, addiction, depression and anxiety.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is generally short-term and focused on helping clients deal with a very specific problem. During the course of treatment, people learn how to identify and change destructive or disturbing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behavior.
The underlying concept behind CBT is that our thoughts and feelings play a fundamental role in our behavior. For example, a person who spends a lot of time thinking about plane crashes, runway accidents and other air disasters may find themselves avoiding air travel. The goal of cognitive behavioral therapy is to teach patients that while they cannot control every aspect of the world around them, they can take control of how they interpret and deal with things in their environment. Because CBT is usually a short-term treatment option, it is often more affordable than some other types of therapy. CBT is also empirically supported and has been shown to effectively help patients overcome a wide variety of maladaptive behaviors.
(Note from Rachel Grant: As as little aside, the Beyond Surviving program she developed for adult survivors of abuse draws upon many of the techniques used in CBT.)
Delivered in a group of people, Group Therapy and Self-Help Groups are for people who have experienced abuse and can be an extremely cathartic experience. Individuals who feel different, ashamed, or guilty as a result of the abuse will benefit immensely from discovering other people who have lived through similar experiences. Although not limited to groups like SNAP and The Lamplighters, they are certainly organizations that have proven themselves to be helpful for survivors of CSA.
(Note: Rachel Grant leads an Adult Survivors of Child Abuse support group every month in San Francisco http://www.rachelgrantcoaching.com and I am the South Florida Area support group leader for SNAP-Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests- http://www.snapnetwork.org – Additionally, Together We Heal helps to provide counseling for those in need. Be sure to contact either of us and we can tell you more).
Next we have some relatively newer therapies, with regard to years of experience in the realm of psychology. TRE (Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises) is one. TRE is a simple technique that uses exercises to release stress or tension from the body that accumulates from every day circumstances of life, from difficult situations, immediate or prolonged stressful situations, or traumatic life experiences.
TRE is a set of six exercises that help to release deep tension from the body by evoking a self-controlled muscular shaking process in the body called neurogenic muscle tremors. The uniqueness of this technique is that this shaking originates deep in the core of the body of the psoas muscles. These gentle tremors reverberate outwards along the spine releasing tension from the sacrum to the cranium.
Another is by a former associate professor at the University of Kentucky’s educational and counseling psychology department, Kate Chard and it centers on Cognitive Processing. “It was the first NIMH-funded treatment outcome study on childhood sexual abuse,” she says. This three-year study of women (Chard has done an equivalent study with men) took adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse through a 17-week, manual-based program, with individual or a combination of individual and group sessions.
“What you think affects what you feel, which, in turn, affects what you do,” Chard says, summing up the basic theory behind cognitive therapy. “We build on this by saying that due to the traumatic event, the ability to process cognitively has become impaired. Biologists can look at the neurotransmitter connections in the brain and actually see differences between people who’ve been through traumatic events, such as childhood abuse, and people who have not.”
Another option is coaching. While still fairly new, coaching is a great option for survivors of abuse who are ready to move into the final stage of recovery. If you would like to learn more about coaching, you can of course give Rachel a call or email her. She’d be happy to answer any questions you might have about how coaching works.
While these are by no means all of the potential therapies out there, the point I am hoping comes through today is that no matter which type of therapy you seek as a survivor of abuse, the point is that you indeed seek one, and don’t stop until you find the one that works for you. As I mentioned earlier, it is of the utmost importance that you find professional help. Just as a police officer or military person is required to see a therapist when they go through an extraordinary time of trauma, so we as survivors of childhood sexual abuse must get assistance. What we have been through is beyond an extraordinary event, it’s beyond the pale. And seeking help does not mean we are weak, it shows no signs of lacking anything. To the contrary, it means you care enough about yourself and the ones that love you that you will take the necessary steps to ensure your continued growth as a person. Let me say this again, you aren’t weak, you are human, it’s ok for others to help you.
***UPDATE***
I had a reader ask me if I had heard of any therapy for survivors as they related to the use of animals, they spoke specifically of horses. And while I did not find any with horses, what I DID find was some exciting news. I discovered the following article and subsequent foundation that uses dogs to help survivors of all types of trauma, and other therapeutic needs. While its not specific for CSA, I have no doubt that it has the potential to help both children and adults, as it does with other forms of trauma. So please look into it if you are finding that what you have tried has not been successful for you. As I mentioned in this article, the main objective is to keep trying until you find what works for you. We are all different and what works for one might not work for another. But I know you can find something that WILL work for you as long as you look.
And thank you to the reader that brought this to my attention. You may never know who all will be helped with this knowledge…but you can rest assured that someone will benefit from it. Thank you!
Together We Heal 