Together We Heal

Together We Heal is for any who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. We provide a safe forum for survivors of abuse to share, learn and heal. We work to expose sexual predators and their methods of getting into our lives.


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The SBC’s Abuse Cost Us Everything

The first friend I lost who died because of being sexually abused by an SBC pastor was named Andy. He died at age 41, 13 years ago. We grew up together. Like most Southern Baptist church kids, we did everything together back then.

We were at church every day and twice on Sundays. Monday’s were bible study. Tuesday’s were visitation. Wednesday was youth choir and we had Christian rock band that played and then did Bible study. Thursday was FCA. Friday’s we’d usually have a “lock-in,” or watch a Christian themed movie, or some other church related event. Saturday’s we played multiple sports year-round for the church’s teams. Baseball, softball, football, soccer, basketball, you name it, we played it. Our church boasted the “World’s Largest Christian Sports Ministry.” When I say we were at church every day, I wasn’t exaggerating.

Andy and I had something else in common. Little did we know we had the same perpetrator at the same time. Like most of us, he didn’t know how to cope with the pain, shame, and self-blame of being raped by our youth minister. And it cost him his life.

 

Recently we lost Duane. Much has been written, but most will never know the real pain. If you don’t understand how this cost him so much, if you aren’t able to make the connection of his loss to the SBC, then I can’t help you.

 

Jen Lyell died a few days ago. Those of us fortunate enough to have known her, but unfortunate enough to have walked in her shoes; lucky enough to have spent time with her, to have laughed and cried with her…we are grieving beyond comprehension. 

She was kind and gentle, but oh so brilliant and fierce. But not because she wanted to be fierce. She was given no other option by the ruling-class religious leaders of the SBC. Just like the rest of us who’ve been sexually assaulted by members and ministers in the SBC.

She was brave and courageous, but not because she wanted to be. You’re only courageous when you have no other choices. And time after time after time, rapists/pastors/leaders/members of the SBC give us no choice but to stand and speak up. To name the predators and their enablers. To call them out for their crimes.

And this is the cost. It costs us our lives.

Sometimes, like with Jen, it cost an early death. For others, it’s a protracted torturous one.

The way members and leaders of SBC churches have taunted and tormented myself, and how they’ve attacked other victims and survivors even worse, should be a crime.

But make no mistake, it is the cost. And people who don’t see that either don’t want to see it, or are so connected to SBC power that they deny it in hopes of clinging to the money and influence of the SBC.

It’s that simple and that disgusting.

Even now, SBC mouthpieces, pundits, politicians, and perpetual conference-speakers are spewing their typical “thoughts & prayers” garbage. But they didn’t care about Jen then and they damn sure don’t care about her now. They didn’t care about her, or Duane, or Andy, or me, or Christa, or Hannah-Kate, or Jules, or Tiff, or, or, or, or… 

They don’t care about a single one of us. They want what they’ve always wanted. They want their “designated survivors” and insurance-approved, lawyer lackeys to stand on a stage in Dallas and sing their praises, as if they’ve done something to protect kids. And they want those of us who speak out against them, the ones who show the gaping holes in their dog-and-pony shows, to just shut up and go away. No matter how that happens.

That’s why the SBC has its lawyers fight us at every single turn. And they don’t tell you anything about that. They want to drag things out until we either can’t afford to fight it any longer, or until we’re dead. They don’t care which happens first.

Think I’m exaggerating? Ask around. You’ll find I’ve been doing this work for a while. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

Oh they love to preach about the love of Christ. But they don’t practice it. Well, unless that person thinks and looks exactly like they do. As long as they goose-step in line with every word they say.

They also love to preach God’s condemnation. They practice hellfire damnation with surgical precision. That they’ve mastered to the point of cruelty. None of which resembles Jesus.

They post “Christ is King,” “pastor/husband,” “soldier of God”…but nothing from the beatitudes. They’ve got plenty of bogus-macho attitude for God, but show no love for the “least of these.”

And when the full length of timber is pointed out in their eye, they raise unholy hell about the dust in ours. Their tartufferie is beyond the pale.

Speaking of pale, how are those white-washed tombs? Still filled with dead men’s bones? I used to wonder whose bones they were. Now I know. The bones are ours. It’s the remains of every victim they’ve left in their wake. They are like serial killers, with us as their trophies. 

And as I sit here in my grief for yet another victim whose lost their life because of abuse in the SBC, my hope is that those bones and dust are the only reward they’ll ever receive…

Am I bugging you? Do these words on a page make you flinch? Maybe ask yourself why my words seem to bother you more than the countless number of boys and girls being raped by people in SBC churches. Why doesn’t that bother you? Is it because you don’t believe it’s happening in the volume we know it does? Is it because you don’t believe it happens where you live? Or is it because you just don’t believe it at all?

I’m so sorry Jen that they didn’t believe you. I’m so sorry they called you such awful names. I’m sorry they made you lose that which you loved and cared about so much. I’m sorry our conversations couldn’t heal in the ways you needed. I’m sorry our support of each other wasn’t enough.

And I’m sorry that the ones who did all of this to all of us, they aren’t sorry at all.

 


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Abuse Reform? Not So Fast.

by Dave Pittman, with Christa Brown

 

Once again, the powerful have prevailed and the vulnerable cast aside. Such is the way with the Southern Baptist Convention.

The latest version of the sexual abuse task force has released their latest recommendations. This one weaker than the last. And why? Because those in power just want this all to go away. More words that’ll result in no real action. And they’ll place the foxes in charge of the hen house…again.

In the latest communique from the latest version of the sexual abuse task force, they began with self-praise, claiming they “worked aggressively” and “vigorously pursued” priorities and “made substantial progress.” All of that may sound good to the SBC base, and perhaps it keeps the donations flowing, but to us survivors, it sounds as though they’re using some bizarre up-is-down kind of dictionary. In reality, abuse reform progress is nearly non-existent and at best wholly stalled. Worse, the purported “effort” appears to have been designed to fail from the get-go because the volunteer task force never had the resources, support from leadership, or the expertise to accomplish the task.

In other words, from the very start, the SBC was never really serious about reform.

 

After all the self-praise, the task force then went so far as to recognize the most ardent opposers of reform with this statement: “Some have disputed whether the SBC ever faced a crisis at all.” With this line, they embolden and validate those who say abuse isn’t as bad as survivors have been saying.” These words are beyond the pale, and typical.

Next, they outlined their plan for “helping churches.” They’ve put together a packet of information on abuse and have instructed each church to have the following five people review them: pastor, deacon, children’s worker, youth worker, a parent. Having five people watch a PowerPoint or read some materials about abuse does not constitute or create a “culture change” – which is what the ARITF claims the SBC has been going through.

 

There is a culture change occurring in the SBC. But its not for the better. It appears that more often, SBC churches and leadership have pivoted back toward harm rather than forward in protection. Their next recommendation proves this.

Instead of having a database with the most dangerous of sexual predators, the credibly accused, which even the Catholic church lists, they’ve chosen to bow down to powerful voices within the SBC and only include these two categories: Those “convicted of sexual abuse in criminal court” and those “found liable for sexual abuse in civil court.”

Whether an individual falls into one of these two categories can typically be learned by anyone with a basic internet search. These individuals will not clear a background check. So, institutionally listing these does not significantly move the needle toward keeping SBC children safe.

Over and over again, the words “low to no cost” come up as an excuse for why SBC churches say they can’t or won’t be able to address abuse issues. This should tell you how little importance and what a low priority most SBC churches place on the safety of children. They will spend and give hundreds, even thousands per church on things like coffee and flowers. But set aside a little time and money to better protect kids? Evidently that is just not within their budget.

 

Also in this proclamation were these words:

“The church should be the last place abuse occurs and the first place people turn to for safety and care. Turning this vision into a reality requires…deliberate action.”

Of course The Church should be these things. As survivors, we’ve been saying this for decades! Tragically the most deliberate actions by the SBC have been in opposition to abuse reform, and in obstruction to the victims and survivors.

It’s the SBC who has been blocking reform at almost every turn. With every closed-door session, with every lobbying effort to keep status quo the statute of limitations, and most recently with the #AmicusBrief that protects predators and eviscerated survivors legitimate and truthful cases. Do y’all remember what truth is, SBC? Do you remember Jesus saying, “I am the way, the truth…”

 

The consistent adversarial actions by the SBC make SBC churches the last place anyone would turn to for help! And why? Because there’s been no truth in your arguments against survivors or abuse reform.

Another line in the task force recommendations that caught our attention said this: “It is important to underscore that the SBC deliberately has no mechanism for coercing local churches.”

Really? Tell that to the churches with women pastors. Tell that to the pitifully few churches disfellowshipped for harboring sexual predators. When something REALLY matters to the SBC, they most certainly have mechanisms for applying pressure. Your choices reveal to everyone watching that child sexual abuse just doesn’t matter.

 

Oh sure, they love to TALK about it and wave little yellow cards around. But when it comes to taking substantive action – putting real skin in the game – they balk. They blame it on their attorneys or “too high a cost” or anything other than the real reason, which is this: they don’t believe abuse occurs in their churches – and certainly not in any way that represents a “crisis” – and they want to spend their money on anything other than child protection.
That’s the cold, hard reality.

 

A handful of the SBC’s 47,000 churches have sought out legitimate trauma-informed care, education and training about sexual abuse, and we acknowledge those. They are the rare exceptions because they understand what the rest don’t or won’t – that caring for the vulnerable is a mission and ministry of The Church.

 

No doubt many Southern Baptists will refute what we say and insist that they really do care. Pride and self-image may require it of them, or maybe it’s just that denial runs deep. But the next time you hear some SBC person tickling your ears with what you want to hear – that sexual abuse isn’t really a “crisis” – just know that we survivors hear those messages too, and they land hard as false and uncaring.

 

As children, we were both part of the SBC, but after we were repeatedly raped by ministers, we were cast aside. As adults, when we sought help from dozens of church and denominational officials, we were told again and again: “Go away, there’s nothing we can do. But we’ll pray for you.”

The uncaring callousness of that has left us with a lot of skepticism about the performative nature of many Southern Baptist prayers and proclamations of caring. Whatever SBC officials may consider to be “caring” – and however they may be defining that word – it seems like just some abstract self-serving notion in their heads. It has not been caring in action. Far
from it.

 

“For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.”

May Jesus have more mercy on the people of the SBC than the people of the SBC have ever shown to us as #SBCtoo survivors.

 

 

Copyright © 2024 Together We Heal, Inc.


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GRACE Live Conversation: Building Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Safety

This was the first GRACE Live Conversation of 2022 and the first of a six-part series on Trauma-Informed Practices in Faith Communities.

This was recorded live Monday, Jan. 24th at 1 PM EST.

We had a great talk with Robert Peters (Senior Attorney at the Zero Abuse Project) and Pete Singer (Director of GRACE) about Safety and Faith Communities.

Please have a listen and let us know your thoughts!

Please watch, listen and let us know your thoughts!


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GRACE Live Conversation: Building Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Safety

Join us for the first GRACE Live Conversation of 2022 and the first in their six-part series on Trauma-Informed Practices in Faith Communities.

Monday, Jan. 24th at 1 PM EST.

That’s TOMMOROW!

David Pittman (A GRACE Safeguarding Specialist and Director of Together We Heal) and Robert Peters (Senior Attorney at Zero Abuse Project) will be discussing Safety, the first key principle of trauma-informed care, from the perspective of abuse prevention and response within faith communities.

Register for this FREE live zoom webinar – https://buff.ly/3qH3IC4

More about David Pittman and Together We Heal – https://buff.ly/3Ig4qwm

https://together-we-heal.org/

More about Robert Peters – https://buff.ly/3KnstLC


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Third Time’s The Charm?

“Third time’s the charm”, that’s what we’re told, right? On their third attempt to honor the wishes of Messengers, the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee voted 44 to 31 to waive attorney-client privilege (albeit in a VERY limited manner) and agree to the contract with Guidepost to begin the investigation on sexual abuse.

But let’s be honest, this is not an investigation on all cases of sexual abuse within the SBC. It’s only about the last 20 years and only within the SBC EC. Is there already a documented case of libel regarding a case of sexual abuse? Yes. And will there be more cases of cover-ups/abuse/etc.? Most certainly. But now, only because of waving ACP is there the remotest of chances to get to the truth.

And it almost didn’t happen.

I watched the entire session. Well, the ones that weren’t behind closed doors. And it was clear there was a division within the ranks. Both sides offered passionate arguments that they BOTH genuinely believe. And that’s the hard part to take as a survivor of sexual abuse perpetrated by an SBC minister.

Phyllis Inghram all but said when she quoted Matthew 10:16, that we the victims of sexual abuse, had created a “hostile environment” and called US the wolves in sheep’s clothing. She said “they” needed to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.

REALLY?

Were they all being harmless when Jen Lyell was slandered by the SBC EC and many of the SBC members?

Were they being harmless when they called Christa Brown evil?

Were they being harmless when they told me, “Sorry, nothing we can do for you or to stop a known sexual predator, but we’ll pray for you.”?

Yes, I know Ms. Inghram has resigned from the EC, but does it matter now? Her words cut like a knife to my soul, and I wasn’t the only one she impaled.

Even now, because of the SBC’s and Georgia Baptist Mission Board’s failures, a KNOWN, ADMITTED sexual predator is back at a church and trying to sell books about how to be better at worship. Going so far as to ask for media interviews to promote said books and asking if one would make a good movie.

This would be a ridiculously absurd joke if it wasn’t a cold, disgusting fact.

Joe Knott, attorney, and EC member said these things:

He went into great detail about law and order. Explained to us how God created the United States and its laws for our protection. Explained to us how law and order was from God. As if we needed his explanation on law on order.

Was he insinuating that a vote to waive ACP is a vote against God? Sure sounded like it.

He went on to say, “Laws are to restrain evil. Laws come from God.”

So what are we as survivors of sexual abuse? Are we the evil in need of restraint in this narrative of his? And what about the laws broken when we were molested and raped? Do those not count in his perspective?

He continued, “What we are about to do is create chaos.”

So now WE are the ones creating chaos? What about the chaos of 3 decades of my life because none cared to hear my story or stop a predator? And I am not the only one. Now there is an admission from my abuser and from several other victims who’ve come forward to say it happened to them also.

Said Knott, “There may not be a Convention to face”.

Again, a convention before a soul? One single soul? It’s ridiculous.

As Dr. Diane Langberg said at the SBC Caring Well event, “Jesus was not crucified for our systems.”

And over the last 3 weeks we’ve heard these things ad nauseum, “This will void our insurance” & “All advice we received is against waiving privilege”.

The attorneys hired by the SBC EC were only presenting one side. They were only giving one argument. There were no attorneys asked to give the alternative argument. Even though Rachael Denhollander was posting publicly in every place she could WHY they could and should waive privilege.

I also kept hearing the arguments against waiving privilege being about “loss”. Loss of insurance. Loss of fiduciary responsibility. Loss of money. Loss of a Convention.

You know what I didn’t hear? Not one single time?

The concern for what victims of sexual abuse have lost.

Victims of sexual abuse have lost their way, their identity, lost our minds. We’ve lost jobs, families and in far too many cases, our lives. Suicide, overdoses, premature deaths from trauma.

And what about the souls lost because of sexual abuse? Isn’t that what the SBC is supposed to care the most about? And yet predators and their enablers have made it so there’s no way many victims would ever again be receptive to God. What about THAT loss?

When they broke from their last private Executive session, in which I am sure every single attorney gave their hardest (possibly intimidating), attempt to persuade against waiving privilege, there is an immediate motion made to replace the Wellman motion.

At the last minute there was a clear intent, by using Roberts Rules of Order (parliamentary rules), to confuse and frustrate members in order to defeat the motion put forward by Jared Wellman.

But thankfully, pastor Rolland Slade took a moment, gathered good information and was able to get the EC back on track. The final vote being 44 to waive and 31 against.

It’s a win but not a big win. And certainly not anywhere near getting the SBC and all its churches and members to a place where sexual abuse is actively worked against, victims are properly helped with trauma-informed care and predators are named, exposed, and forever prohibited from serving in any SBC church or any conceivable entity with ties to the SBC.

A former SBC VP said just one day after the vote, that the efforts made by survivors to persuade EC members to waive ACP were “online attacks against good men and women…Carnal, ungodly & evil…the ends never justify the means.”

Really Mr. former 2nd VP? We are carnal, ungodly, and evil? This folks, is the battle we face in ridding the SBC from sexual predators and their enablers.

There’s a long way to go.

#SBCtoo

Copyright © 2021 Together We Heal, Inc.


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Why the SBC Executive Committee Didn’t Do the Right Thing

This is Part 2 of a 3-Part Series following the actions of the SBC Executive Committee’s regarding the Sexual Abuse Investigation.

We have partnered with an amazing organization, The Lamplighter Movement, to host the second article. Click here to read:


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The Truth About Sexual Abuse within the Southern Baptist Church

At last the truth is made known in the national media. At last predators like the one who murdered the innocence of my childhood and derailed my life for decades can no longer hide behind a church wall and pastor’s robe. And as you will read, our stories are not the exception, they are the rule. To abuse, deny, cover-up, victim shame and silence has been the “MO” for decades. Mine and countless others. I know most of you have probably read Part 1 of this story, but we are posting all 3 parts here so you can grasp the totality of the reach of sexual abuse within the SBC.

Please read, share, and then call your Pastor and DEMAND that change, REAL change be made. No more lip service. No more platitudes. This is not a Catholic problem. This is a HUMAN PROBLEM that exists in every denomination. Sexual predators use the church because people of faith are more trusting and forgiving and this is turned against them and used in evil, manipulating ways.

We must strike while the iron is hot and before it gets buried in the next news cycle. Please don’t let anymore time pass. Don’t assume someone else will speak to your church leadership. This is up to you now…

Part 1:

https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/investigations/article/Southern-Baptist-sexual-abuse-spreads-as-leaders-13588038.php

Part 2:

https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/investigations/article/Southern-Baptist-churches-hired-ministers-accused-13588233.php

Part 3:

https://www.houstonchronicle.com/news/investigations/article/All-too-often-Southern-Baptist-youth-pastors-13588292.php


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Will the Southern Baptist Church Finally Live What It Preaches?

This week Together We Heal, as an organization, and myself, David Pittman as an individual, have joined forces with Justice For Anne, For A Time Such As This & several fellow advocates. Together we have issued a statement that was most perfectly articulated by fellow advocate Ryan Ashton:

—-

“If you please, read the joint statement myself and fellow abuse survivors and advocates delivered to the president of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) yesterday regarding their announcement of a sexual abuse study group:

“We all have a decision—to become more polarized and distrustful of one another, hide, build barriers, and perpetuate numerous injustices. Or we can face this evil together, choosing to create a culture where healing and safety are the norm, where love and compassion dwell, where children and families flourish, and the hope of the gospel maintains its integrity. We sign with that hope, committed to a future where no one in the Church has to say “Me Too” ever again.”

—-

Everything we do at Together We Heal and GRACE is because of the past and current failures of those within the church to better protect children and properly respond to those who’ve been harmed. It is our hope that the SBC will begin to live up to the call of Christ they espouse and not be just another one of those “cast to the bottom of the sea with a millstone around their neck”.

If not now, then when? If not us, then who?

The time is long overdue. The ball is in your court SBC leaders and church members. Do you truly believe the scripture you preach and teach? Then BE THE VOICE OF THE VOICELESS and quit giving lip service and protecting sexual predators.

The world, and Christ, is watching…

You can read the full statement here:

https://www.forsuchatimeasthisrally.com/inthenews/a-joint-statement-regarding-the-sbc-sexual-abuse-presidential-study-group


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Hope Is a 4-Letter Word

This week, we continue our series exploring the impact that ongoing abuse within the church has on one’s capacity to remain hopeful.

http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com/2018/06/hope-is-4-letter-word.html


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“It’s Easier to build strong children than to repair broken men”

One of my favorite quotes is by Frederick Douglass who said,

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”

Please keep these two things in mind when you begin to think, “it’s just too hard to talk with my kids about sexual abuse”.

Here in the USA, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be victims of childhood sexual abuse before they turn 18…they best way to prevent a child from becoming part of that statistic is to talk openly and honestly with them. And if they’ve already been harmed, they need you more than ever to know they can speak freely, without you getting mad or angry in front of them. If they’ve already see that, they will think you are angry at them.

They need your strength and guidance…you CAN talk with them and they will be grateful you did!!

 

If you’re finding it challenging to talk with your kids, please read this post for some guidance:

How To Talk With Your Kids about Sexual Abuse

Teach your kids that:

You are NOT your abuse.

You are NOT what they did to you.

You are NOT your trauma.

You ARE the cleverness that survived.

You ARE the courage that escaped.

You ARE the power that hid & protected a tiny spark of your light.

You will fan that spark into a bonfire of righteous rage and love,

and with it you will burn all their lies to ash!

Copyright © 2015 Together We Heal, Inc.