Together We Heal

Together We Heal is for any who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. We provide a safe forum for survivors of abuse to share, learn and heal. We work to expose sexual predators and their methods of getting into our lives.


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The SBC’s Abuse Cost Us Everything

The first friend I lost who died because of being sexually abused by an SBC pastor was named Andy. He died at age 41, 13 years ago. We grew up together. Like most Southern Baptist church kids, we did everything together back then.

We were at church every day and twice on Sundays. Monday’s were bible study. Tuesday’s were visitation. Wednesday was youth choir and we had Christian rock band that played and then did Bible study. Thursday was FCA. Friday’s we’d usually have a “lock-in,” or watch a Christian themed movie, or some other church related event. Saturday’s we played multiple sports year-round for the church’s teams. Baseball, softball, football, soccer, basketball, you name it, we played it. Our church boasted the “World’s Largest Christian Sports Ministry.” When I say we were at church every day, I wasn’t exaggerating.

Andy and I had something else in common. Little did we know we had the same perpetrator at the same time. Like most of us, he didn’t know how to cope with the pain, shame, and self-blame of being raped by our youth minister. And it cost him his life.

 

Recently we lost Duane. Much has been written, but most will never know the real pain. If you don’t understand how this cost him so much, if you aren’t able to make the connection of his loss to the SBC, then I can’t help you.

 

Jen Lyell died a few days ago. Those of us fortunate enough to have known her, but unfortunate enough to have walked in her shoes; lucky enough to have spent time with her, to have laughed and cried with her…we are grieving beyond comprehension. 

She was kind and gentle, but oh so brilliant and fierce. But not because she wanted to be fierce. She was given no other option by the ruling-class religious leaders of the SBC. Just like the rest of us who’ve been sexually assaulted by members and ministers in the SBC.

She was brave and courageous, but not because she wanted to be. You’re only courageous when you have no other choices. And time after time after time, rapists/pastors/leaders/members of the SBC give us no choice but to stand and speak up. To name the predators and their enablers. To call them out for their crimes.

And this is the cost. It costs us our lives.

Sometimes, like with Jen, it cost an early death. For others, it’s a protracted torturous one.

The way members and leaders of SBC churches have taunted and tormented myself, and how they’ve attacked other victims and survivors even worse, should be a crime.

But make no mistake, it is the cost. And people who don’t see that either don’t want to see it, or are so connected to SBC power that they deny it in hopes of clinging to the money and influence of the SBC.

It’s that simple and that disgusting.

Even now, SBC mouthpieces, pundits, politicians, and perpetual conference-speakers are spewing their typical “thoughts & prayers” garbage. But they didn’t care about Jen then and they damn sure don’t care about her now. They didn’t care about her, or Duane, or Andy, or me, or Christa, or Hannah-Kate, or Jules, or Tiff, or, or, or, or… 

They don’t care about a single one of us. They want what they’ve always wanted. They want their “designated survivors” and insurance-approved, lawyer lackeys to stand on a stage in Dallas and sing their praises, as if they’ve done something to protect kids. And they want those of us who speak out against them, the ones who show the gaping holes in their dog-and-pony shows, to just shut up and go away. No matter how that happens.

That’s why the SBC has its lawyers fight us at every single turn. And they don’t tell you anything about that. They want to drag things out until we either can’t afford to fight it any longer, or until we’re dead. They don’t care which happens first.

Think I’m exaggerating? Ask around. You’ll find I’ve been doing this work for a while. I’m not lying or exaggerating.

Oh they love to preach about the love of Christ. But they don’t practice it. Well, unless that person thinks and looks exactly like they do. As long as they goose-step in line with every word they say.

They also love to preach God’s condemnation. They practice hellfire damnation with surgical precision. That they’ve mastered to the point of cruelty. None of which resembles Jesus.

They post “Christ is King,” “pastor/husband,” “soldier of God”…but nothing from the beatitudes. They’ve got plenty of bogus-macho attitude for God, but show no love for the “least of these.”

And when the full length of timber is pointed out in their eye, they raise unholy hell about the dust in ours. Their tartufferie is beyond the pale.

Speaking of pale, how are those white-washed tombs? Still filled with dead men’s bones? I used to wonder whose bones they were. Now I know. The bones are ours. It’s the remains of every victim they’ve left in their wake. They are like serial killers, with us as their trophies. 

And as I sit here in my grief for yet another victim whose lost their life because of abuse in the SBC, my hope is that those bones and dust are the only reward they’ll ever receive…

Am I bugging you? Do these words on a page make you flinch? Maybe ask yourself why my words seem to bother you more than the countless number of boys and girls being raped by people in SBC churches. Why doesn’t that bother you? Is it because you don’t believe it’s happening in the volume we know it does? Is it because you don’t believe it happens where you live? Or is it because you just don’t believe it at all?

I’m so sorry Jen that they didn’t believe you. I’m so sorry they called you such awful names. I’m sorry they made you lose that which you loved and cared about so much. I’m sorry our conversations couldn’t heal in the ways you needed. I’m sorry our support of each other wasn’t enough.

And I’m sorry that the ones who did all of this to all of us, they aren’t sorry at all.

 


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Lament – A GRACE Live Conversation

In the words of Diane Langberg,

“Pain is the only protest in the human constitution that something is wrong.

It is the only thing that raises its voice against existing abuses.

If you jump to silence pain, you will fail to find the wound.”

Creating church cultures that are sensitively attuned to the protest of pain and offer space for lament can be a journey for all of us. Especially when facing the devastating reality of abuse within or near our communities, recognizing lament is not just an option, but an important pathway to healing and justice.

Join GRACE (netgrace.org) for a crucial Live Conversation on Lament on March 18th, 2025 at 12:00 PM EST.

We’ll be exploring why lament is a healthy and necessary practice for churches seeking to:

Support survivors of abuse and validate their experiences.

Acknowledge and grieve the reality of abuse within or around our communities.

Cultivate a culture of empathy and healing within the church.

Our guests will be:

David Pittman, a survivor of abuse in the church as a young child, who will share his perspective on the importance of lament from a survivor’s experience.

Phil Moore, a musician and worship leader, who will offer insights on how churches can thoughtfully and effectively incorporate lament into their worship and practices.

This conversation will delve into the “why” behind lament and provide practical insights into the “what” and “how” churches can lament well.

Don’t miss this important discussion. Let’s learn together how to create spaces where pain is heard, wounds are acknowledged, and healing can begin through the powerful practice of lament.

We look forward to having you join us for this vital conversation.

Register Free Here:

https://us06web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_DGmcrGCUSU6G8Yao4qGDPQ?os=ipad#/registration


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The Latest case of sexual abuse

Another in the latest cases of sexual abuse in The Church.

We’ve become accustomed to horrors because the next story is “just the latest.”

The latest case. Let those words sink in. Having to use those words should make you sick. Infuriate you. Tragically it doesn’t for most. Just as church folks have become numb to abuse, they’re numb to the words.

I was honored to join Johnna Harris on “The Bodies Behind the Bus” podcast this week to discuss the church, victims of abuse, and what to do.

You can listen on Apple:

https://t.co/HvqvZsV87H

Or listen on Spotify:

https://open.spotify.com/episode/3HtJQ4YU1dgTwJI6cBdglm?si=LSw6AMw3S_yj_aQQdnCBog


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Abuse Reform? Not So Fast.

by Dave Pittman, with Christa Brown

 

Once again, the powerful have prevailed and the vulnerable cast aside. Such is the way with the Southern Baptist Convention.

The latest version of the sexual abuse task force has released their latest recommendations. This one weaker than the last. And why? Because those in power just want this all to go away. More words that’ll result in no real action. And they’ll place the foxes in charge of the hen house…again.

In the latest communique from the latest version of the sexual abuse task force, they began with self-praise, claiming they “worked aggressively” and “vigorously pursued” priorities and “made substantial progress.” All of that may sound good to the SBC base, and perhaps it keeps the donations flowing, but to us survivors, it sounds as though they’re using some bizarre up-is-down kind of dictionary. In reality, abuse reform progress is nearly non-existent and at best wholly stalled. Worse, the purported “effort” appears to have been designed to fail from the get-go because the volunteer task force never had the resources, support from leadership, or the expertise to accomplish the task.

In other words, from the very start, the SBC was never really serious about reform.

 

After all the self-praise, the task force then went so far as to recognize the most ardent opposers of reform with this statement: “Some have disputed whether the SBC ever faced a crisis at all.” With this line, they embolden and validate those who say abuse isn’t as bad as survivors have been saying.” These words are beyond the pale, and typical.

Next, they outlined their plan for “helping churches.” They’ve put together a packet of information on abuse and have instructed each church to have the following five people review them: pastor, deacon, children’s worker, youth worker, a parent. Having five people watch a PowerPoint or read some materials about abuse does not constitute or create a “culture change” – which is what the ARITF claims the SBC has been going through.

 

There is a culture change occurring in the SBC. But its not for the better. It appears that more often, SBC churches and leadership have pivoted back toward harm rather than forward in protection. Their next recommendation proves this.

Instead of having a database with the most dangerous of sexual predators, the credibly accused, which even the Catholic church lists, they’ve chosen to bow down to powerful voices within the SBC and only include these two categories: Those “convicted of sexual abuse in criminal court” and those “found liable for sexual abuse in civil court.”

Whether an individual falls into one of these two categories can typically be learned by anyone with a basic internet search. These individuals will not clear a background check. So, institutionally listing these does not significantly move the needle toward keeping SBC children safe.

Over and over again, the words “low to no cost” come up as an excuse for why SBC churches say they can’t or won’t be able to address abuse issues. This should tell you how little importance and what a low priority most SBC churches place on the safety of children. They will spend and give hundreds, even thousands per church on things like coffee and flowers. But set aside a little time and money to better protect kids? Evidently that is just not within their budget.

 

Also in this proclamation were these words:

“The church should be the last place abuse occurs and the first place people turn to for safety and care. Turning this vision into a reality requires…deliberate action.”

Of course The Church should be these things. As survivors, we’ve been saying this for decades! Tragically the most deliberate actions by the SBC have been in opposition to abuse reform, and in obstruction to the victims and survivors.

It’s the SBC who has been blocking reform at almost every turn. With every closed-door session, with every lobbying effort to keep status quo the statute of limitations, and most recently with the #AmicusBrief that protects predators and eviscerated survivors legitimate and truthful cases. Do y’all remember what truth is, SBC? Do you remember Jesus saying, “I am the way, the truth…”

 

The consistent adversarial actions by the SBC make SBC churches the last place anyone would turn to for help! And why? Because there’s been no truth in your arguments against survivors or abuse reform.

Another line in the task force recommendations that caught our attention said this: “It is important to underscore that the SBC deliberately has no mechanism for coercing local churches.”

Really? Tell that to the churches with women pastors. Tell that to the pitifully few churches disfellowshipped for harboring sexual predators. When something REALLY matters to the SBC, they most certainly have mechanisms for applying pressure. Your choices reveal to everyone watching that child sexual abuse just doesn’t matter.

 

Oh sure, they love to TALK about it and wave little yellow cards around. But when it comes to taking substantive action – putting real skin in the game – they balk. They blame it on their attorneys or “too high a cost” or anything other than the real reason, which is this: they don’t believe abuse occurs in their churches – and certainly not in any way that represents a “crisis” – and they want to spend their money on anything other than child protection.
That’s the cold, hard reality.

 

A handful of the SBC’s 47,000 churches have sought out legitimate trauma-informed care, education and training about sexual abuse, and we acknowledge those. They are the rare exceptions because they understand what the rest don’t or won’t – that caring for the vulnerable is a mission and ministry of The Church.

 

No doubt many Southern Baptists will refute what we say and insist that they really do care. Pride and self-image may require it of them, or maybe it’s just that denial runs deep. But the next time you hear some SBC person tickling your ears with what you want to hear – that sexual abuse isn’t really a “crisis” – just know that we survivors hear those messages too, and they land hard as false and uncaring.

 

As children, we were both part of the SBC, but after we were repeatedly raped by ministers, we were cast aside. As adults, when we sought help from dozens of church and denominational officials, we were told again and again: “Go away, there’s nothing we can do. But we’ll pray for you.”

The uncaring callousness of that has left us with a lot of skepticism about the performative nature of many Southern Baptist prayers and proclamations of caring. Whatever SBC officials may consider to be “caring” – and however they may be defining that word – it seems like just some abstract self-serving notion in their heads. It has not been caring in action. Far
from it.

 

“For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.”

May Jesus have more mercy on the people of the SBC than the people of the SBC have ever shown to us as #SBCtoo survivors.

 

 

Copyright © 2024 Together We Heal, Inc.


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Money in the God Business

Copyright © 2024 Together We Heal, Inc.


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What are SBC “Good Guys”?

For every 1 “good guy”, there are countless others meaning harm


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Facing Up to a Legacy of Abuse

Reader content warning:

the following account contains descriptions of sexual abuse.

CBS Mornings and CBS Evening News reporter, Nikki Battiste, did an interview with Together We Heal’s Director, David Pittman.

It covered his personal experience of sexual abuse by a Southern Baptist minister, and how that abuse was covered up.

Part 1:

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/survivor-speaks-out-after-bombshell-southern-baptist-abuse-report/

Part 2:

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/southern-baptist-convention-launches-reforms-to-combat-sexual-abuse/

#SBCtoo

#MenToo

#1in6


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GRACE Live Conversation: Peer Support

Watch the GRACE Live Conversation on Peer Support, the third principle of trauma-informed care.

With at least 20% of church congregations comprised of “trauma survivors,” why aren’t more faith communities helping to foster peer support groups for those who have experienced abuse/trauma?

Peer support and healthy relationships are essential for establishing safety and hope, building trust, strengthening collaborations, and utilizing the stories and testimonies of similar lived experiences to promote healing and recovery.

Join us for a great conversation about Peer Support for survivors of sexual abuse.

Where can you find resources?

What can your church do to get this right?

This was recorded live Monday, March 17th, 2022.

Thank you, GRACE, for hosting our Director, David Pittman and Elizabeth Sullivan of EmpowerSurvivors.


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GRACE Live Conversation: Building Emotional, Physical and Spiritual Safety

This was the first GRACE Live Conversation of 2022 and the first of a six-part series on Trauma-Informed Practices in Faith Communities.

This was recorded live Monday, Jan. 24th at 1 PM EST.

We had a great talk with Robert Peters (Senior Attorney at the Zero Abuse Project) and Pete Singer (Director of GRACE) about Safety and Faith Communities.

Please have a listen and let us know your thoughts!

Please watch, listen and let us know your thoughts!


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#GivingTuesday

Today is #GivingTuesday

It’s a global day of giving that makes a real difference in people’s lives.

Even in times of economic uncertainty, we each have a deep reserve of generosity we can deploy in myriad ways to make a difference–your time, your kindness, your skills, your voice are all things you can give in addition to charitable donations.

Last year your generosity allowed Together We Heal to train more churches, teach more parents, and connect more survivors and families to the resources they needed.

Every tax-deductible donation will make a huge difference! Your gift will help us:

  • Assist in paying for trauma-informed care for survivors of sexual abuse.
  • Connect survivors to trauma-informed counselors/therapists/coaches.
  • Teach parents how to talk with their children about sexual abuse.
  • Train churches how to better protect children, properly respond to those harmed and better identify predatory behavior.
  • Support families of victims by guiding them through the process of reporting abuse.
  • Support survivors by being a resource to help them begin the healing process.
  • Educate the public on all aspects of sexual abuse at workshops and conferences.

When so much attention is given to what divides us, generosity brings people together across races, faiths, and political views. 

Together We Heal is for those who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. It exists to provide guidance to those in need, educate any who seek information on how to better protect children and to expose the methods of sexual predators.

Together We Heal works with Schools, Faith-based groups, Civic organizations or in a home full of concerned parents. Our desire is to prevent children from enduring the trauma of sexual abuse, and to help those who have already been harmed begin the process of healing. We are here to provide a safe forum for victims of abuse to share, learn and heal.

You can help us with this mission! We cannot do it without your faithful giving!

Whether you donate $5 or $500. Every dollar helps. Thank you to everyone who helps us help others.

https://www.facebook.com/donate/298383795538234/

Much love and appreciation,

Dave Pittman