Together We Heal

Together We Heal is for any who suffer from the trauma of childhood sexual abuse. We provide a safe forum for survivors of abuse to share, learn and heal. We work to expose sexual predators and their methods of getting into our lives.

Category Archives: Pedophile


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The Abused Addict – Dulling The Pain

Why me? Why did this happen to me? What have I done to deserve this? I am just a kid, why did you do this to me? These are just the start of questions that children begin to ask themselves when they fall prey to a sexual predator.

When dealing with issues of pain from childhood sexual abuse, people handle it in different ways; being a man, I can only tell you the struggles a boy and man goes though. Initially the greatest struggle was just in finding a resource for help to work through the psychological and emotional trauma. With so much abuse happening to women, it only goes to reason that the majority of available support is directed toward them. But support for men is out there, you might have to look a little harder for it but it’s there. Thus the increase in groups like “Together We Heal”, “SNAP”, “1in6.org”, “MaleSurvivor.org” and many others. But once found, the next steps can be even more challenging.

If the abuse occurs as a young boy and at the hands of a man, you struggle with the confusion of being aroused. While we may learn that physiologically there is virtually no way to stop an erection or even ejaculation, it does not diminish the damage done. As a boy or man you begin to question your sexuality. How could I have been aroused by this disgusting act? When you combine this with the still long-held homophobic rhetoric voiced by so many, the confusion gets compounded and magnified.

For myself, I “proved” my sexuality throughout college by having sex with as many women as I could. While this temporarily bolstered my ego, and reputation with the guys, all it really did was hurt many of the girls’ feelings and further hinder my ability to get at the root of my own pain.

When having promiscuous sex was not enough to keep my hurt and pain deep down enough in my psyche, I turned to alcohol and drugs. As I mentioned in the previous article, with drugs I could numb myself to the point where I not only didn’t feel any pain, I didn’t feel anything, except the high of the particular narcotic of the day.

I started off like most, waiting till I got off work and drank until I got that “buzzed” feeling. Over the next few years I would drink more and more until I would pass out each night. By drinking to that point, I made sure that while awake I was either too busy with work to think about the pain or too drunk to understand why I was drinking so much.

When alcohol was no longer strong enough I turned to drugs. I started with a club drug called ecstasy, once used by therapists for couples struggling to open up and communicate. It has become an abused “party” drug sometimes referred to as the “hug drug” for the utopia-like effect it gives you. Not only did I no longer feel emotional pain, but possibly of greater import, the “feeling”, however false it may have been, was as if everyone loved me, and this was something I craved above all else…the feeling of love and acceptance. But as any addict will tell you, the more drugs you do, the more you have to do to get the same level of high. The problem is you never do get that again.

So at this point I amplified the drug with another to try to extend its feeling with methamphetamine, commonly known as speed or crank. When this no longer did the trick I moved up to GHB. GHB is like ecstasy times ten. The extreme danger of this drug is that it slows your respiration and can do so to the point where you stop breathing altogether. What is so deadly about it, is once you reach a certain point, there is no way of reviving you. And I was doing as much as I could until I would pass out, coming close to overdosing on three occasions, that I can validate from others telling me…only God knows how many times I actually came close to death.

Eventually what occurred to me was what happens to almost all drug users and abusers. I got locked up and spent a month in jail for two convictions of drug possession. It was simultaneously the best thing that could have happened, the worst experience of my life, and probably saved me from ending up in a morgue. Having my freedom taken away, being totally humiliated, and my life threatened on two occasions while incarcerated, I realized finally where my life was headed if I didn’t stop taking drugs, so I went to NA and got the help I needed to get clean. I have remained sober for eight plus years now.

Once I got clean I had a whole new problem; I had to finally face all of this traumatic emotional pain without any filters, without any buffers. I had to face life on life’s terms; and life, for most of us, isn’t always kind and nice. It’s hard, and when you aren’t strong emotionally or mentally and don’t have the necessary tools to confront this issue, you don’t handle this easily. It was only with the support of an amazing family and equally incredible friends that I have been able to process this pain and conflict and be able to finally stand on my own two feet again, now with a clean mind and body.

This doesn’t mean that I am not still haunted daily by the memories of molestation and sexual assault, it just means that now I have the tools to handle this battle. Frederick Douglass was quoted as saying, “it’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” This has been true in my life. The damage done by my abuser, Frankie Wiley, was so terrible that the positive done to build me up the first twelve years of my life, he destroyed in just 2 1/2, and it’s taken thirty to just BEGIN to get my life back on the right track.

I have since learned that the damage done was much farther reaching than I could have ever imagined. I wondered why it felt like it was taking me longer to work through my struggles than others who had “been just abused or were just addicted to drugs.” I recently found a potential reason behind this.

A German medical research center has now documented that childhood trauma leaves a mark on the DNA of some victims. What they have determined is abused children are at a higher risk of anxiety, mood disorders, and PTSD as traumatic experience induces lasting changes to their gene regulation. This topic is too important not to give its own deserved article, so we will save it for next week. I just wanted to bring it to your attention as a survivor or supporter so you, as did I, might begin to grasp some of your “unexplained” struggles.

Due to the derailing of my youth, I now have fewer years left on this earth to do what I believe I was always meant to do…help others in some way. So I am going to spend what time I have left to do my best to 1) prevent what happened to me from happening to other children and 2) help other survivors begin the process of healing. I am one of the “lucky ones”, or at least so say the statistics–I should already be re-incarcerated, back on the streets looking for my latest high, or dead.

As I mentioned, I was arrested and spent a month in jail. But my experience with the justice system was the exception, not the rule. While I “did my time, learned my lesson and moved on,” within three years of being released, 67% of ex-prisoners re-offend and 52% are re-incarcerated, according to a study published in 2004. The rate of recidivism is so high in the United States that most inmates who enter the system are likely to reenter within a year of their release.

The US has the highest incarceration rate in the world and of the roughly two million people occupying a cell, approximately 500,000 of them have been convicted of a drug offense. With an estimated 6.8 million Americans struggling with drug abuse or dependence, the growth of the prison population continues to be driven largely by incarceration for drug offenses.

If you are shocked by those numbers, wait until you hear how many addicts “fall off the wagon.” Relapse rates for addiction range from 40% to 60%, or 50% to 90% depending on which studies you read. These rates vary by definition of relapse, severity of addiction, which drug of addiction, length of treatment, and elapsed time from treatment discharge to assessment, as well as other factors. The point is clear, relapse happens more often than not.

But of all the statistics I am “fortunate” not to be a part of, the last is most important. For the year 2011, there were 40,239 drug induced deaths and 26,256 alcohol induced deaths. Again, I told you on three different occasions, I came close…but thankfully I am still here today to be a cautionary tale of how NOT to cope with your abuse.

So this is my hope. And by that word I don’t mean what I wish for to happen, I mean it’s what I know, count on and expect to happen…the original definition of the word hope. Look it up. I have hope to help others, I have hope that they will heal, I have hope to protect children. I now have a future that was once denied me due to a sexual predator. And you too can have this hope, this expectation, this new future … just reach out and you will find us here for you.

As I learned in NA, there is no greater advocate and no better person to help an addict than another addict. The reason is simple: they know what the other has been through. For this reason I look to other survivors of childhood sexual abuse to help me as I continue to heal. For this reason I look to other survivors to extend themselves to those fellow survivors not as far along in their healing process. For this reason I ask you now, if you are in a position to help someone who has been through what you have, think back to who it was that helped you and remember how crucial it was for you to get that help, to have that shoulder to lean on, to have an understanding ear that would listen and consider this simple statement:

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

References:
– MPI of Psychiatry, Munich Germany, 2003-2012
– Nature Neuroscience 2012
– Narcotics Anonymous, Blue Book
– Narcotics Anonymous, White Pamphlet
– National Survey on Drug Use and Health (NSDUH)
– Stocker, S.
– National Institute on Drug Abuse
– National Institute of Health
– U.S. Department of Health and Human Services
– International Centre for Prison Studies (18 Mar 2010). “Prison Brief – Highest to Lowest Rates”. World Prison Brief. London: King’s College London School of Law.
– John J. Gibbons and Nicholas de B. Katzenbach (June 2006). “Confronting Confinement”. Vera Institute of Justice
– Bureau of Justice Statistics US Department of Justice

Copyright © 2014 Together We Heal


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The Abused Addict: The Ultimate Fight *Updated 2014*

This will be a little different than previous articles, in that, this is not so much solution based, as it is issue based. I want to bring to light an issue that many survivors of abuse have to deal with on a daily basis—Addiction—whether it is to alcohol, drugs or something else.

As an addict, you must first recognize that you are not “in control” and you are powerless to the addiction. And it is acknowledging that this “giving up control” enables the addict to begin their healing.

Meanwhile, as a survivor of abuse, while we are being abused we are also helpless and powerless and taking charge is empowering. Claiming power is a significant experience of healing. It enables us to reclaim what was taken from us when we were abused.

So, survivors who are also addicts have a razor thin line to walk (and just as sharp), of giving up control of addiction while regaining control from abuse.

Is it any wonder why so many fall back off the wagon, are never able to maintain a healthy mental/emotional/physical life, or even commit suicide?

We have these solutions that run simultaneous and contradictory to each other—the Ultimate Battle. This is why it’s so important to get professional help and seek the support from others such as AA/NA/SNAP and other support groups.

The statistics are remarkable. In a study of male survivors sexually abused as children, over 80% had a history of substance abuse. 75% of women in treatment programs for drug and alcohol abuse report having been sexually abused. Another 10-study program found there was a direct correlation to CSA and substance abuse.

Now full disclosure, in all of the research I read, I was able to find one psychiatrist who did not believe there was a correlation, but he did not produce any statistics or empirical data to support his argument. So it is my conclusion, both from my personal life experience and studies from all over the globe, this is something we cannot ignore.

I read in another article, instead of looking down at addicts and asking them, “What is wrong with you?” wouldn’t it be a more productive question to ask, “What happened to you?”

Very few services exist to help with both issues: addictions and abuse. It needs to be understood that the two go hand in hand. The services which do exist are often inadequate, requiring the individual to heal only on the therapist’s terms, or to “get clean first, then we’ll talk.” Often, if you make one mistake, you’re out of the addiction program. This isn’t fair. Only one out of every 100 people make it, perhaps because of the programs themselves.

And this is what happened to me, I had to address my addiction first before I was able to even acknowledge my abuse and face it. As they say in NA, “face life on life’s terms.” Once I got clean from narcotics, I was finally able to reach out to Dr. Light and confront my abuser, Frankie Wiley.

Now in reclaiming my power over my abuser, the addiction is not the issue it once was, and that is because my primary reason for using drugs was to numb myself from the pain of the abuse.

Now that I have had my abuser removed from three jobs where he had power over kids, I have regained my power, but I KNOW that I will NEVER have power over the narcotics—they control me in such a negative way that I can never do them without extreme, awful consequences.

Just because this is what worked for me, does not mean it will be the direction a fellow survivor will have to take as a path to healing. Seek the professional help that is available to you—we have therapists here and there are many others out there with other groups—if not here, just get help somewhere.

As I said, this is not a solution article. I just wanted folks to know what many survivors have to deal with and if someone in your life is going through this, maybe it will help you better understand what they are going through. Remember, love is patient and kind, and that is ultimately what we need in the battle we face—patience and kindness … and true love.

Michael and Cheryl Irving, two psychotherapists said in an article what I have been saying and feeling for years so I thought it best just to quote them:

“Survivors need to value themselves, to be true to themselves. Survivors often find it hard to say no to anything, and survivors need to fit in, so they often say yes…We need to understand that treatment for addictions is slow and progressive. You cannot help addicts quickly or with some other drug…Healing from addictions and abuse is possible and they often go hand in hand. It takes time, it takes trust.”

References:

Dr. Michael Irving
Mrs. Cheryl Irving
New York State Coalition Against Sexual Assault
Mental Health Association in New York State
The Relationship Between Sexual Abuse and Addiction By Andrea Presnall, Argosy University
Dr. Stanton Peele

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David Pittman Bio:

David spent years on a healing journey that continues to this very day. This led him to seek out groups specifically for men as well as those who had been through a similar trauma and ultimately inspired the foundation of Together We Heal, an organization focused on providing counseling and guidance for those who have suffered the trauma of childhood sexual abuse.
As the Executive Director of TWH, David works to educate the public through speaking and collaborating with other groups to raise awareness and expose the sexual predator’s methods. TWH now works with therapists, counselors and groups aiding both men and women in their efforts to heal, grow and thrive. He is also the South Florida Area Support Group Leader for SNAP, Survivors Network of Those Abused by Priests.

TWH follows the saying, “you may be just one person to the world, but to one person you could be the world.”


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Together We Heal has Guest Blog on Rachel Grant Coaching

Rachel Grant asked us to do a guest blog and our first two weeks are going to be a more thorough discussion of Abuse and Addiction. Please go to the link to her site, read and share with us your thoughts. We want to thank Rachel for the opportunity to reach even more survivors and hopefully help them on their journey of healing.

http://rachelgrantcoaching.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-abused-addict-ultimate-fight.html?m=1

Thank you all for your support of survivors everywhere.

David


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Healing Does Occur – Cale Harbour’s Story

From the FB page of Cale Harbour – He has asked that I post his story and to help “Together We Heal” as it helps others. Please take time to read his story of hope and healing.

————————————–

I keep wondering how to start this story. Earlier this year, my good friend David Pittman posted the remarkable story of his struggle being a victim of child sexual abuse. David and I have been good friends for many years and I want to show my support for the work he is doing. This strikes close to me because I too am a victim of this crime and by the same person that abused David. In actuality I was victimized two different times. The first occurrence was an instructor at a summer reading program. The other was a youth minister who started out counseling me to get over the first trauma. The specific details are no longer important. Fortunately, I was not left with severe trauma from these events. However, dealing with the emotions and putting everything into perspective took some time.

David summed up the practices of child predators quite well. They start with small remarks, gestures, comments, or questions. Then some touching and assurances that everything is fine. The interaction slowly progresses and becomes more intimate. This doesn’t happen all at once. It is a detailed, thought out strategy in order to slowly break down the defenses until they can manipulate the child into satisfying their desires.

I never thought about sharing this publically until recently. I was fortunate enough to marry a wonderful woman who served as the support I needed to finish healing and move forward. For me, this part of my life has very little impact on me today. However, in reading not only David Pittman’s story but also all the other responses to his story, it is obvious that this type of personal violation can leave scars and wounds that never truly heal. It is for this reason that I felt like sharing my past as a sign that this can be overcome. There is healing and life can move forward. To anyone who has suffered from this I want to say “Healing does occur”. The Bible tells us in Joel 2:25 that He can make up for the time the ‘Locusts’ have eaten away.

For everyone who reads this, please take a look at David Pittman’s various sites for “Together We Heal”.

together-we-heal.org – Visit the website
@together_weheal – Follow on Twitter

http://www.causes.com/causes/640477-together-we-heal – Join the TWH Cause

http://www.facebook.com/Togetherwehealorg – “Like” on FB
http://www.facebook.com/groups/togetherweheal – Join the TWH FB group

This is a group David started to be able to provide counseling and support to survivors who are in need. He can use all the support we can give.


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Interview with Lucinda Bassett on Childhood Sexual Abuse

My interview with Lucinda Bassett was aired today on LA Talk Live.

You can hear it at this link – http://latalklive.com/new/truth-be-told

You can also view it on YouTube at – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d18mfEp07vk

It’s the interview posted – 12/6/2012 Truth Be Told – Guests: Dr. Arlene Drake / David Pittman

It covers the topic of Childhood Sexual Abuse and while my segment is the last 15 minutes, I believe many will benefit by listening to the show in its entirety.

There is only one way to have a chance to better protect our children and better aid those in need of healing…we MUST work together to raise awareness and bring to light those guilty of abuse.

Together…we can truly heal…


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Hurt, Healing and Hope

Why me? What have I done to deserve this?

When dealing with issues of pain from childhood sexual abuse, people handle it in different ways; being a man I can only tell you the struggles a boy and man goes though. Initially the greatest struggle was just in finding a resource for help to work through the psychological and emotional trauma. With most abuse happening to women, it only goes to reason that the majority of available support is directed toward them. But it is out there, you might have to look a little harder for it but its there…thus the increase in groups like “Together We Heal” and “SNAP”. But once found, the next steps can be even more challenging.

If the abuse occurs as a young boy and at the hands of a man, you struggle with the confusion of being aroused. While we may learn that physiologically there is virtually no way to stop an erection and even ejaculation, it does not diminish the damage done. As a boy or man you begin to question your sexuality. How could I have been aroused by this disgusting act? When you combine this with the still long-held homophobic rhetoric voiced by so many, the confusion gets compounded and magnified. For myself, I “proved” my sexuality throughout college by having sex with as many women as I could. While this bolstered my ego, and reputation with the guys, all it really did was hurt many of the girls and further hinder my ability to get at the root of my own pain.

When having promiscuous sex was not enough to keep my hurt and pain deep down enough in my psyche, I turned to drugs. With drugs, I could numb myself to the point where I not only didn’t feel any pain, I didn’t feel anything, except the high of the particular narcotic of the day. But as any addict will tell you, the more you do, the more you have to do to try to get the same level of high. The only problem is you never do get that again. So at this point I was simply doing as much as I could until I would pass out, coming close to overdosing on several occasions and eventually getting locked up twice and spending a month in jail for a conviction of drug possession. It was the best thing that could have happened and quite probably saved my life. In having my freedom taken away, I realized finally where my life was headed if I didn’t stop taking drugs and so I went to NA and got the help I needed to get clean..and have remained so for seven years now.

Once I got clean I had a whole new problem…I had to finally face all of these painful emotions without any filters, without any buffers…I had to face life on life’s terms…and life, for most of us, isn’t kind and isn’t nice. It’s hard, and when you aren’t tough emotionally or mentally, you don’t handle this easily. It was only with the support of an amazing family and equally incredible friends that I have been able to process this pain and conflict and be able to finally stand on my own two feet again..now with a clean mind and body.

This doesn’t mean that I am not still haunted daily by the memories of molestation, it just means that now I have the tools to handle this battle. Frederick Douglass was quoted as saying, “it’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” This has been true in my life. The damage done by my abuser, Frankie Wiley, was so terrible, that the positive done to build me up the first 12 yrs. of my life, he destroyed in just 2, and it’s taken 30 to just BEGIN to get my life back on the right track. Due to this derailing of my youth, I now have fewer years left on this earth to do what my creator intended for me. So I am going to spend what time I have left to do my best to 1) prevent what happened to me from happening from other children and 2) help other survivors get to the place of healing that I am now at and even further.

This is my hope. And by that word I don’t mean what I wish for to happen, I mean it’s what I know, count on and expect to happen…the original meaning of the word hope. Look it up. I have hope to help others, I have hope that they will heal, I have hope to protect children…I now have a future that was once denied me due to a sexual predator. And you too can have this hope, this expectation, this new future…just reach out and you will find us here for you.

You can count on it!


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LA Talk Live Radio Show – November 29th 2 pm ET!!

One last update before showtime. As I mentioned, the entire show will be dedicated to the topic of Childhood Sexual Abuse. Three survivors of CSA, myself being one of them, will be interviewed on the show LA Talk Live by Lucinda Bassett at 2:00 pm ET, Thursday November 29th. You can listen online at http://latalklive.com/new/truth-be-told

Another one of the survivors being interviewed is a new friend of mine, Patricia Singleton.

You can follow her blog at patriciasingleton.blogspot.com or follow her on twitter @Patriciasinglet – she is an amazing woman who has survived much and is an inspiration to myself and many others.

I know that anyone who takes the time to listen will receive a blessing and some important information on how to keep your children safe from sexual predators, as well as, how to begin the process of healing if you have been a victim of CSA.

Another friend and an incredible advocate for children and survivors, Peppy Bennett, will be doing a live twitter chat during the show at @LegalAdvocateC – you can also follow her personal account @PeppyBennett

If you or someone you know has been affected by CSA, please either tune-in or pass this along to them. We would appreciate hearing what your thoughts are on the show.

Peace be with you

David


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Some Secrets Should Never be Kept

While I am not in the mindset of “pushing goods” on this blog, there is a children’s book that you MUST get if you have any children in your life. Whether they are your children or someone else’s, please help make the topic of childhood sexual abuse just ever so slightly easier to broach with them by using this remarkable tool.

The author is Jayneen (Jay) Sanders and she is an Australian author, teacher and mother of three daughters. And on a personal note, she is a delightfully caring woman.

Some Secrets Should Never Be Kept is a beautifully illustrated picture book that sensitively broached the subject of keeping our children safe from sexual abuse. We teach our children road safety and water safety but how do we teach our children essential skills in self-protection? Through story we can discuss difficult topics. This book was written to help parents, teachers and health care providers broach the subject in a non-threatening way. It is an important book and one that all children need to hear. Forewarned is forearmed and if a situation like the one Sir Alfred encountered in the story were to happen to a child, they could draw on what they have learned and speak up! 

Please see a YouTube clip of Debra Byrne, Australian actress and singer (herself a survivor of childhood sexual abuse) read Some Secrets.

http://youtu.be/4YjJ1MreZqs

For more info about the book, testimonials and sample pages the website is:

www.somesecrets.info

I believe this is an important book, one of great value to both parents and professionals. Age range: 3 to 12 years. Discussion questions are featured in the back of the book to facilitate open dialogue with the children.

With 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys being sexually abused before they reach 18 years old and with 93% of those kids knowing their perpetrator, it is crucial we teach body safety to our kids. We need parents to make ‘body safety’ just a normal part of their parenting conversation.

See also these articles re: Some Secrets

http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/drive/drawing-room3a-martin-flanagan-and-jayneen-sanders/3967612

http://m.smh.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/a-childrens-book-about-sex-abuse-lets-discuss-20120504-1y48j.html

http://www.theage.com.au/entertainment/books/telling-the-story-of-child-abuse-means-giving-children-tools-to-speak-out-says-author-20120301-1u60i.html

http://goodmenproject.com/good-feed-blog/a-book-to-help-talk-to-kids-about-sexual-abuse/

http://www.chantellebaxter.com/some-secrets-should-never-be-kept

http://melindatankardreist.com/2012/04/some-secrets-should-never-be-kept-new-book-to-help-parents-and-kids-discuss-inappropriate-touch/

And believe it or not, neither myself nor this foundation are making one penny from this endorsement – I just know that if someone had read a book like this to me as a child, there is a chance I may not have been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. While there are no guarantees, as we all know, knowledge is power, and as a child I had neither, and the end result was a 2 1/2 year systematic destruction of my innocence, childhood and faith in those around me.

GET the book, READ the book and most importantly, TALK about the book WITH your children.

Anything that might help protect your children from the hands of a sexual predator is a priceless investment.

Respectfully

David Pittman


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How to Talk with Your Children about Sexual Abuse

I was once given some advice from a person much older and wiser than myself: “If a child is old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to get the truth.” There is, however, a way to present truth in a way that neither scares the child nor impedes their ability to openly communicate with the adult about “delicate” subject matter.

The following is a combined list of different suggestions on ways to talk to your children about sexual abuse. The sources for this information are Together We Heal, The Joyful Heart Foundation, The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, FamilyWatchDog.com, The Center for Behavioral Intervention in Beaverton, Oregon, and the Colorado Bureau of Investigation’s: Convicted Sex Offender Web Site, as well as my own personal recommendations based on personal experience.

1) Start Young

Talk openly and often with your children about sexual development, behavior and abuse. Keep in mind that if you discuss sexual development with your children appropriately from a very young age, they will not be embarrassed by the subject matter and will be less vulnerable to the grooming tactics of many child molesters.

Children who do not have their curiosity satisfied do not stop asking, they simply start looking elsewhere for their answers. After all, who do you want educating your children about sex and sexuality…you or their friends and Madison Avenue?!? Starting young is not damaging. Parents believe that somehow it is inappropriate for them to be discussing such things with young children. If a child has a curiosity about something, it does not damage them to know the truth. Truth is never wrong! Truth is never damaging! While they are young is a healthy time for children to know the answers. It is the best time. One of the biggest mistakes parents make is waiting until the teenage years to address issues of sexuality.

Rather than waiting until the time in their lives when you are beginning to lose their time and focus to sports, school, friends, etc…confront the issues now. Make sure you spend the first 12 years of your child’s life laying out a stable framework for your children to build their ideals and morals from. Don’t wait until they are 13 and riddled with urges to start addressing the issue of healthy sexual relationships.

The key to this is what my friend and colleague, Rachel Grant, calls “normalizing” the conversation. What we mean by that is, for example, a “normal” talk with your child would be, “how was practice today, or do you need any help with your homework?” So just as normally as you bring up those topics, so also ask them, “has anyone made you feel uncomfortable at school or church today?” “Has anyone approached you or touched you in a way that made you feel upset?” The more normal you make the conversation, the more likely they are to open up to you and talk about it.

Instill concepts when they are young. Confronting the tough issues and morals you would like your children to be instilled with begins at birth, and that includes sexuality.

2) Use Proper Terminology

Use proper names or semi-proper names for body parts (penis and vagina), and phrases like: private parts are “private and special”. Research shows that children who know the proper words for their body parts are less likely to be sexually abused than children who are not. Teaching a child that body parts are so embarrassing and shameful to talk about that they need silly nicknames makes it much more likely that a child will not tell you if someone touches them inappropriately. When a child knows the proper names, it puts a predator on notice that there is an atmosphere of openness and dialogue in a home and that if they harm your child, it is more likely to be discovered and disclosed.

3) Practice

Take the time to rehearse with your spouse/partner or any adult that will give you a truthful critique and be patient. This is not the time to rush through or skim over the parts that make you feel uncomfortable. Just imagine that if you have a difficult time talking with the adult, what will it be like when you talk with your child? Gather resources from organizations such as Together We Heal, SNAP, Stop It Now, RAINN, Survivors Chat, MaleSurvivor, etc., and make notes or an outline. Do whatever makes it easiest for you to remember the topics and keep yourself on point. Throughout the talk, your child will be asking questions that will take you in various directions so it is essential that once you answer the question you get back on track. Also consider that you may not be able to address all questions at once. Be honest with your child if they ask you a question that you do not have the answer. Tell them the truth. Let them know that you need to find the answer and let them know later.

4) No Secrets and No Private time with Adults/Children

Teach your child not to keep secrets and that no one should ask your child to keep a secret from you. Teach your child that there are happy surprises which we are going to tell people about soon (like birthday presents or the ending to a story your brother is reading), but that we don’t have secrets that we’re not allowed to tell and we don’t keep secrets that make us feel sad or worried.

Avoid one child‐one adult situations. 90% of all child sexual abuse occurs in situations where there is only one adult and one child present. When a child is going to have one on one time with an adult, attempt to schedule that time in observable places (like parks and restaurants). Ask your child about how things went when they were alone with an adult, child or relative. Listen for specific details and watch your child’s mood.

5) Create a “Safety Team” or “Safety Network”

Help your child create a list of their trusted adults. Give your child a copy of their list. Make sure their support “network” peoples’ phone numbers are by the telephone with and in a place that your child has easy access to. Once you and your child have made a list, let all the people on your child’s list know that they are part of this emergency network. Let them know your child has your permission to contact them and ask them if they are comfortable with this responsibility.

Let your child know that you will not be upset if they go to anyone on this list when they are scared or confused. It is very common for children to feel that they cannot speak to their parents in spite of a parent’s attempt to ease this fear. The majority of children who report sexual abuse do not report it to their parents. Sexual predators often tell their victims that what is happening is the victims’ fault; that they will get in trouble, that they will be taken away or that their parents will stop loving them and will hate them. Molesters who are related to the child also scare them into silence by telling them that no one else will take care of them if they go to jail. It is very important to talk with your children and reassure them of your unconditional love and remind them of all the people who care about them. When you take away an offender’s ability to keep his victim silent, you take away his/her power.

6) Explain How Your Child is Helping

Avoid scary details. Use language that is honest and age appropriate. Explain that no one should touch a child on the parts of their body that are covered by their bathing suit. Also let your child know that there are exceptions to this situation such as mommy or daddy helping a young child bathe, diaper changes or a doctor examining a child with their parent present.

When discussing sexual abuse with younger children, refer to sexual predators as adults with “touching problems.” These people can make “secret touching” look accidental (such as tickling or wrestling) and they should still tell you even if they think (or were told) it was an accident. This is a way for a young child to understand that an adult has an inappropriate behavior without giving your child nightmares or age-inappropriate details about what the “touching” might entail.

Tell your children that people who have touching problems need special help so they don’t continue to have problems or get into trouble. Don’t describe it as a sickness and don’t say that “bad” people do this, as most of the time the “bad” person is someone who seems good or is known to the child. Do not use words like pedophile, predator or pervert; but rather, refer to “touching problems” instead as this gives the child the ability to judge and tell you about the behavior without the understandable confusion that arises when the perpetrator is someone they love or care about.

And Lastly:

7) Create a form letter that explains how you have discussed with your child/children about the issue of childhood sexual abuse and list the people in their safety network. Give a copy to each adult in your child’s life and on the list.

By notifying all of the adults in your child’s life (family, friends, teachers, coaches, and parents of your child’s friends), you have in effect warned most potential predators in your child’s life that they will be caught should they target your child for abuse or inappropriate behavior. Sex offenders generally target children where the risk of getting caught is sufficiently low. By doing this, you are telling any would-be offender that your child is prepared and as parents you are involved. If you find it challenging to create your own form letter, we have provided two templates here on the website. Please feel free to print them out to use.

You may either go to the webpage that has both forms – or you can click and download the forms from here:

  1. Form Letter 1 with Contact Numbers
  2. Form Letter 2 without Contact Number

My hope is that you will take these tips and begin the dialogue with your child/children. Remember to do this also…talk WITH your child, not AT your child. Together we can work to give your children the BEST possibility of NOT being a statistic. (1 in 6 boys and 1 in 4 girls are molested and/or sexually abused/raped by the age of 18).

If you have any questions do not hesitate to contact us.

dpittman@together-we-heal.org

Copyright © 2013 Together We Heal


by 72 Comments

Pedophiles are like Serial Killers – My Story

Reader content warning:

the following account contains descriptions of grooming and sexual abuse.

My name is David Pittman – For 30 years I kept a secret that almost killed me. From the time I was 12 until I was 15, I was sexually abused by a youth minister at Rehoboth Baptist Church in Tucker, Georgia. I was sexually molested and raped. His name is Frankie Wiley, full name Franklin Andrew Wiley. Due to the pathetic statute of limitation laws in Georgia and too many states throughout the USA, he walks free. Until recently he was serving as an associate minister at Trinity Baptist Church in Ashburn, Ga. While he no longer holds an “paid” position at the church, he still has a leadership role as the “Worship Leader” and has access to little boys because the pastor of the church defends him. I have been told they grew up together so he’s allowing this confessed child molester continued access to potential victims of sexual abuse.

In 2006, I found Frankie serving as youth minister at Jodeco Road Baptist Church, where Jerry Light was the Pastor. I contacted Pastor Light and told him my story. He and the Chairman of Deacons, after doing their due diligence, confronted Frankie. Frankie admitted to both men that he had sexually abused me and swore to them I was the only child this happened to. He was allowed to resign. He then went back to get help from a family at a previous church in Flowery Branch, Ga. When they were made aware of the circumstances, they too told him to leave. He returned to his hometown of Ashburn, Ga and got a job with the school as a substitute teacher. When I told the superintendent, Ray Jordan, he allowed Wiley to “resign”. Jordan belongs to the same church as Wiley. Fellow advocates continue to track his activity with children via social media and personal contacts. If you look at his social media pages, he has dozens and dozens of children as “friends”. Unfortunately, the internet has given him a whole new world of potential victims.

There is an important update I need to give you as the reader. I first posted this article in October of 2012, but as of April, 2022, a total of 12 men have come forward, from 4 different churches, whose ages ranged from 9 to 15, that Frankie raped, molested or sexually assaulted in some way prior to, during or after the time he was sexually abusing me. Their words condemn Frankie as a liar, since he told church officials I was the only victim.

Some of their names are Cale Harbour, Christopher Elrod, Ray Harrell and sadly one is now deceased, Andy Harrell (Ray’s big brother). Andy gave me permission to use his name prior to is death in 2012. Unfortunately several others are not in a place of healing and told me “they just can’t talk about it right now” and I know how they feel. It’s how myself, Ray, Cale and Christopher felt for many years. But they reached out to me because they thought all this time they were the only ones and needed to talk to someone who understood what they had been through.

It’s important that you know how Frankie and other sexual predators like him operate. He invites 2-3 boys over to his house for sleepovers. He keeps 1 or 2 in another room and has the other boy stay with him in his bed. This is where the abuse and/or rape takes place. Or he will tell you that several boys are staying over and when you arrive, you are the only one…trapped.

These vultures go after others like me who come from a family of divorce or worse. They take advantage of our vulnerability; a young boy simply wanting attention from a male role model. This is their “play”, also known as “grooming” and it eventually leads to the abuse. God only knows how many victims there actually are-which is why I am writing this.

The Department of Justice tells us that “a male perpetrator who prefers boys and remains uncaught will have approximately 150 victims over the course of his life.” And one young man I mentioned, can no longer speak at all. He died in June 2012. According to what he told me, because of the shame and guilt from being molested by Frankie Wiley, he took drugs to numb the pain, the drugs lowered his ability to make proper decisions, and in the end it cost him his life. It’s clear to me that his death is on the hands of Frankie Wiley.

And since the state of Georgia has a pathetic statute of limitations on child rape, none of us are able to bring him to justice.

I called Kenneth Keene at the Georgia Baptist Convention (now called the Georgia Baptist Mission Board) to inform him of this pedophile using Southern Baptist churches in Georgia as a haven for hunting. His response was to pray for me and say “sorry but each church acts separately and there is nothing we can do.” After two conversations, I tried to tell him that Frankie had moved churches, but he stopped taking my calls and responding to my emails.

And there really isn’t enough time or space here to share how the SBC, SBC EC, GBMB, Augie Boto, Frank Page, Thomas Hammond and many others in those organizations failed me and countless other victims of sexual abuse.

It appears the Southern Baptist Convention and GBMB, as organizations, are following in the footsteps of the Roman Catholic Church. They prefer to deny and cover-up, rather than own up to the evil within. It appears the Southern Baptist Convention and its churches would rather have more children abused, molested and raped, than to be proactive, remove pedophiles from its churches and help victims.

But don’t just take my word for it, multiple organizations have found countless leaders within the Southern Baptist Church who know of instances of abuse and choose to do nothing. Mr. Keene is listed among them.

Abuse Of Faith

Stop Baptist Predators

Baptist Accountability

“The only thing needed for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.”
                                                                                          Edmund Burke

How many other adults out there have suffered this atrocity and are unable to bring their abusers to justice due to the insufficient laws held by almost every state in the land? Sexual predators know this and count on it. They count on us not saying anything until it is legally too late. The reason being is most survivors of abuse aren’t capable of acknowledging what happened to them until they are about 52 years old. The statute of limitations in almost every state runs out between the ages of 18 to 23. It’s simple math for sexual predators and the organizations that protect them.

When Dr. Light contacted the pastor of Trinity Baptist, Rodney Brown, with verification that Frankie Wiley admitted to molesting/raping me, he said he would bring it to the church. Brown lied. We had to tell the congregation ourselves. While Frankie is no longer a paid staff member, he is still active with the youth. What they fail to understand is these predators NEVER stop until they are caught and incarcerated or deceased. The deacons and leadership at Trinity are either ignorant, negligent or both in failing to protect the children within their care.

When I sent an email to the parents of Trinity Baptist, after the pastor failed to tell them, he called me and said I was a bad person. Pastor Rodney Brown said I was destroying “his” church, that I caused a split in “his” church. To which I replied, “pastor, first of all, it’s not YOUR church. The “Church” is the people who make up the body of Christ, not the person standing in the pulpit. And who is the bad person here? Me, for letting the parents of Trinity know about an admitted child molester with access to their children, OR YOU, who CHOSE to keep it secret until you were FORCED to admit what I told them was the truth?

And hearing that the church split tells me that half of the people there didn’t agree with you in allowing this sexual predator to continue to be around their children.” Below you will find a link to Trinity Baptist Church where they proudly list Frankie as their worship leader. Is this the type of church you want to send your little boys and feel safe about doing it?

http://www.usgennet.org/usa/ga/county/turner/trinity.html

And to any of the people who would deny anything I’ve said, I challenge them to submit to a lie-detector test. I am more than willing to do so and testify under oath. Cale, Christopher and I have the one thing they don’t…the truth.

I wonder how many parents of the children Jerry Sandusky molested wished they had this kind of information. How many little boys would still have their innocence? How many little boys would have been protected? In my view, Rodney Brown is almost WORSE than the pedophile. A pedophile is sick and usually don’t stop until incarcerated or deceased. Rodney Brown, like the administrators at Penn State, or leaders in the Catholic Church, choose to protect the monster in their midst.

My childhood voice was strangled by the rope of molestation. My assailant is free (for now). But with your help, other victims might have the courage to come forward in time to incarcerate these predators. Most survivors have a similar feeling. Feeling trapped and forced to relive the crime in silence. And in too many cases this costs them their lives. Too many have committed suicide because they didn’t have the tools to handle the trauma. Others (including myself) turned to drugs and alcohol to numb their pain (many times ending in an overdose). And even more who are never able to have any kind of life. No loving relationships, no lasting friendships, the loss of any family or support – all due to the pain caused by the crime of abuse, molestation, and rape.

palsk image

I was told by a GBI (Georgia Bureau of Investigation) investigator in 2006 something that is seared into my mind…”a pedophile is like a serial killer that leaves their victims alive.”

That is truth articulated. Read it again and really think about it. Think about a little child, trapped, unable to fight off the attacks. And then, unlike a murder victim, that little child has to relive each and every assault for the rest of their lives.

Frankie served as a music and/or youth minister at the following churches from the mid to late 70’s to 2011 – if you or anyone you know has concerns or questions, please contact me.

Pinecrest Baptist Church, Cordele, Ga.
Rehoboth Baptist, Tucker, Ga.
Second Avenue Baptist, Rome, Ga.

Tom’s Creek Baptist Church, Toccoa, Ga,

Poplar Springs Baptist Church

Grace Baptist Church, Gainesville, Ga
A Baptist church in Flowery Branch, Ga.
Jodeco Road Baptist, Stockbridge, Ga.
Trinity Baptist, Ashburn, Ga.

He also worked as a substitute teacher at the local school system in Ashburn, Ga., sometime around 2009-2011.

If you or anyone you know has been sexually abused by Frankie Wiley or by anyone, please reach out to someone. Things are different now. You WILL be believed, you are NOT alone. Please, reach out…there are people you can trust now.

9/25/2013 – Update on the Sexual Predator, Frankie Wiley.

We have a 2013 Update that further validates and reaffirms all we knew. I am posting what ANOTHER victim of Frankie Wiley sent me. You can read it after the ***** marks and my statement about it will follow.

Here is this victim’s story…please read how to this day he feels responsible for what Frankie did to him.

*****

I just wanted to let you know that I too encountered Frankie Wiley in my youth, growing up in Ashburn GA. It was pretty well-known in the ’70s that he was molesting kids. I know of several other boys besides myself during that time. I see you also mention Rodney Brown, and if that is the old Pastor Brown’s son from Sycamore, then he knew about Frankie back then too. I think Rodney was about Frankie’s age, or maybe a few years older, and he and his brother Eddie both knew about Frankie, heck just about everyone in town did. Back then people just called him queer and other names and kind of turned their back, perhaps most not really knowing that he was actually molesting young boys in the church. But all the kids knew. This is when Frankie was in his 20s and he was always involved in leading some kind of youth group. He particularly liked to organize campouts for boys. You get the idea.

At the time when I ended all contact with Frankie, despite his efforts to contact me, I believe he was the Minister of Music at a church in Cordele, GA. That doesn’t seem to be on your list. This would have been somewhere around 1975 or 76. Seems like he was also involved in a church musical group called Maranatha out of Cordele too.

Over the years I’ve looked online to see if he ever got caught or punished, and this website (together-we-heal.org) is the first time I ever found anything mentioning him. Apparently, he still goes UNPUNISHED and UNREFORMED. In my case this was nearly 40 years ago, so that would make him in his mid-60’s now, I think. And he’s probably done the same stuff for 40 years. Even though there were at least 3 incidents I recall, I’ve lived a pretty normal life and been able to cope, I think. I’m sure the scars have caused me some problems, but I’ve never talked about it and never told anyone that I was molested as a child, much less publicly accused Frankie. I’m probably not interested in coming forward now either, after all these years. But after finding this site I had to at least post a note. I’ve put in an email address that will actually reach me, it’s real but anonymized.

If I can provide any information that will help your cause then I’ll consider it, but I’ll probably not make my own identity public. I don’t really want to open up that old wound again, and don’t really want to admit to people who know me that this happened. Yes I was a child, but I feel like I somehow allowed it to happen too, being at a very susceptible age. So I remain ashamed to this day.

*****

Notice how this latest victim coming forward feels responsible for what Frankie did to him? This is why we must protect the children that are currently in harm’s way. Even after being sexually abused, the victim often times feels as though it was something they did to allow it to happen. The ONLY one to blame here is Frankie Wiley! Frankie is the sexual predator. This child did NOTHING to deserve this. Help us support survivors of childhood sexual abuse, educate families about keeping children safer and identifying and prosecuting predators like Wiley.

At one time I thought I was the only person Frankie Wiley sexually molested while I was in the youth group at Rehoboth Baptist Church in Tucker, Ga. But now we know there were more before me, there were others at Rehoboth at the same time as me, and several after at other churches. Today I learned this goes back long before RBC. And this exposes another lie Frankie has told in an attempt to justify his predatory actions. He told me the reason he molested and raped me was because he was raped in seminary. Not that it’s any type of rationale, just the reason he gave. I have also learned this is the type of lie sexual predators make up in order to gain sympathy or early release if incarcerated.

Truth is, he’d been molesting little boys long before that.

Below is a comment posted to the TWH website from a victim of Frankie’s that happened long before Rehoboth and seminary and the cover-up that’s been going on to protect him. This is why we do what we do. To this day, Frankie has access to little boys and we must expose him for what he is.

There are many other “Frankie’s” out there. Please help us name them so we can help those in need receive the healing they desperately deserve!

5/15/2022 – ANOTHER Frankie Wiley/Rodney Brown/Trinity Baptist Church UPDATE

If you recall from this article, there was a time when Wiley was supposedly “fired” from Trinity Baptist Church by Rodney Brown. Well, that wasn’t the truth. Wiley was allowed to resign and quietly leave…for a time.

Wiley tried to join another church in South Georgia. Journey Church in Tifton, Georgia. We were made aware of this, warned the pastor there and they asked him not to come back. But this was just a temporary moment away from church leadership for Wiley.

Sometime during 2021 and 2022, Trinity Baptist Church left the “Cooperation” of the Southern Baptist Convention, and rebranded itself, “Trinity Community Church of Ashburn”. Same Rodney Brown as their pastor, but a different location for the church building. And seemingly most important to them, they are no longer accountable to the SBC for bringing back the admitted child rapist, Frankie Wiley.

Trinity Community Church of Ashburn and Rodney Brown have brought Wiley back into their fold, on to their stage where he is ONCE AGAIN in a position of authority in the minds and eyes of the children and adults of that church. Hard to believe? Don’t believe me? Look them up on Facebook. You’ll find them all right there together!

So all that talk from Rodney Brown about being sorry, for not knowing better, for ridding Wiley from the church to protect the kids under his care. I guess that’s all that was…talk, lies and a PR stunt. Please be sure to refresh your memory of what Brown said not that long ago.

https://christianindex.org/trinity-baptist-pastor-this-situation-has-greatly-changed-my-thinking/stories/trinity-baptist-pastor-this-situation-has-greatly-changed-my-thinking,3080

Evidently Rodney Brown’s real belief, which match his actions, is that he couldn’t dump the SBC quick enough in order to get his buddy Wiley back on stage with him.

And just when you thought Wiley couldn’t sink any lower. He is now trying to sell 2 books. One is an autobiography he writes under his own name but fails to mention any of the boys he’s raped for decades. And the other is a “how to worship better” book under a pseudonym. I guess he wants to be able to sell them without anyone knowing who he really is and what he does. Might put a damper on sales if they know you’ve raped little boys.

Please help us expose Wiley so he can no longer profit from the pain of the lives and souls he’s destroyed! What he is doing is the definition of taking God’s name in vain.

I wish this were all some kind of tragic joke. But it’s not. It just gets worse and worse, and these people don’t seem to care what happens to their children.

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